My face is illuminated by the white light of the puter and I am listening to the sounds of 5.20 am.
Snuffling breathing wife and toddler sounds, strangely comforting sounds but I wish that I could sleep.
This insomnia is a symptom of the steroids apparently and something I shall have to accept, at least until
I start to reduce the dose. Dr Armstrong was pleased with my progress and at our last meeting suggested that in December my dose will begin being reduced.
This makes me happy as I am not certain but suspect that there is a slight thickening below my chin and around my neck.....
AAAAAAAGH BLOODY MOON FACE!
It is easy for me to forget that, back at the beginning, I was struggling to talk or see,
now, a few short months later here I am having a little princess moment.
Bloody GP will be a bit smug though.
When I started this blog it was a way to release the pressure of my situation and communicate with anyone interested in my situation, and this is why it was titled after the disease (this feels like a constraint to the content now, so forgive me if I wander off piste, also forgive the bloody brackets....again).
Overtime however I confess that I have enjoyed the chance to express my thoughts and realised that I really enjoy writing, so there it is, and your stuck with it, blame the ones who encouraged me.
I can see it now, some crusty old pensioner knocking out hideously garish watercolours by the yard..... encouraged years ago by some well meaning family member....
"Oh uncle Roger that really is rather good, you should take this up"
Now faced with this deluge of childlike rubbish they have long ago run out of nice things to say.....
and still he paints, convinced of his genius.
Some of this, when I read it back, feels like it belongs to someone else.
Occasionally funny but often whining and self indulgent, I suppose that is the truth of it though.
My intention was always to try and allow it to pass unfiltered to the virtual page, the only editing was to
spare any offence although looking back I imagine I may have failed on that count!
I remind myself that this is a public forum only to forget a few sentences later, which is good because I
prefer to treat it as a diary.
Life has a habit of throwing surprises and recently I was told that we had to quit our lovely flat as the freeholder is putting the property up for sale.
It was a huge shock as I have lived here now for so long that I had almost forgotten that we are tenants
and it is a sad thought that our plans for this place are now redundant.
Change is inevitable and this is a lesson that will repeat for as long as we draw breath, it is only when shocked by these shifting foundations that we seem to remember, it is as though we are consigned to spending our brief time swimming in circles with our 2 second goldfish memories.....
Ooooh what's around the corner?
A plastic sunken castle, wow!
Ooooh what's around the corner?
A plastic sunken castle, wow!
Ooooh what's around the corner?
A plastic sunken castle, wow! (replete with plastic mermaid)
Perhaps our need for certainty makes this a necessary device or coping strategy.
With the help of people who care, we are now planning a move to a 3 bedroom house,
this situation now feels less like a disaster and more like an opportunity to start a new chapter in our lives,
which, whilst it sounds like some smug self help approach, is true.
So we can look forward to living here for ever and ever and being happy and........ Ut oh.
The sand really does feel like it is shifting under me at the moment.
At the centre of my judo centred life, stands a person who has been part of my life since he started coaching me 45 years ago.
He has recently been suffering from serious health problems which make all of this MG stuff look like
a day at the seaside.
With his illness as an ever present backdrop at the club he has built, I have noticed that it has drawn everyone together and the sense of family is palpable.
I am hopeful that he has been aware of this and drawn some comfort from it.
Supporting him lately with his coaching has given me a deeper understanding and affection for him and I intend to grab every chance I get to live in the moment....
this moment
NOW! (grab it now while stocks last)
I could be sleeping now what a waste of time that is.
aaaaand finally dear reader take a bow, without you etc....
Friday, 27 September 2013
Tuesday, 24 September 2013
Chapter 21 Radio Silence Over .....Come in please ....Over.......ppsssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Still stinging from the accusation of radio silence (rarely such a thing in my experience.. I always hear that static.....ppsssssssssshhhhh not sure how many s's in that SS! Don't get me started,
Dear God who is not real please help, I'm barely a sentence in and already, with the tangent bracket combos).
London calling.... London calling.... here is a radio silence ending blog.
At the weekend I took a risk or two,
the first risk was to enter another judo competition, following the previously mentioned (see Chapter 19) fiasco in Salisbury.
I put in a reasonable amount of training put on a few kilogrammes of weight (what else could it be eh? perhaps a few kilos of light.... or colour)?
The few kilos could so easily become the few more, I can yet prove my GP right and delight him by developing his predicted moonface.
So back to 90 kg please and fast...
I don't wish to breath my last on the WC with 25lbs of compacted poo in my bowel,
Elvis you were cool but that was not.
So at U100kg I am given a choice fight in the younger age group or fight the one person in my weight / age category as a straight final and then fight the younger ones but without being allowed a medal for it?
The latter choice offered me the guarantee of at least a Silver and hopefully a Gold, as I had beaten this opponent comfortably on previous occasions (he is the one being launched in the photo of the London Open, included in one of my previous vainglorious chapters).
So.... focused, trained and determined, I attacked and threw him inside 10 seconds, for what both of us considered an 10 point ippon score (flat on his back with force).
I subsequently checked this on a video and became even more convinced that the fight should have ended in my favour with this throw........
however it didn't!
We both stopped fighting for a split second and it dawned on me that I had been awarded a 7 point Wazari score meaning the contest would continue, barely had I tried to hold him on his back and finish the job and he was free.
No problem I thought, as he mounted a series of fairly ineffective attacks.
For almost the remainder of this fight I weathered this storm which grew in intensity as he
tried to regain the lead.
He was awarded a couple of penalty shidos for technical infringements, further increasing my comfortable
(surely unassailable Mark) lead.
Unassailable? Well no actually Mark, because you had 12 seconds left did you not?
Well did you!
So did you block him out (with what could only be described as outstanding tactical awareness) for the remaining 12 seconds?
You surely understood that you could even afford to get a penalty and still win comfortably?
No?
Oh dear.....
So you decided to finish it with another throw and got countered leaving you with Silver!
Haaa fool you deserve no more...
Then onto the young ones,where I smashed a few and got smashed by a few.
Then onto the Open Weight Open age group, risky, but I was by this time,
flinging my satin gloves in the face of any one who crossed my path
(not literally you understand but figuratively).
When I say risky my first fight in this group was against a friend Spiro Tomasevic, I believe he is in his late 30's, weighing about 120kg and about 6' 4" tall he is also very capable.
This man represents the kind of challenge I took on when attacking my father as a 3 year old.
Fortunately he is a decent and good judoka and made a serious effort to spare his opponents the battering he could have provided.
In all I had so much fun in the fights I lost, as well as those I won, that I will continue to compete on this semi casual basis
(who am I kidding, I will train harder, compete more often and then disembowelling the next person I fight, I shall slide in their entrails dance a slippery little jig, and laugh at their screams as the light dies in their eyes).
I would at this point like to remind our audience (who is the 'our' in this? I thought it was just me, or am I really developing a serious mental illness as my blog unfolds, note to self; possible film script here, 'mad blogger breaks down whilst blogging then embarks on judo killing spree')
Actually I was so damm happy to be able to compete, even with this MG, that I was enjoying myself more than I can remember at a judo contest and I mean ever..... so lots more please.
The thanks for my entering this go to a good friend Winnie Graham, who overcame a broken neck as a senior, followed by a stroke as a Master to win regularly with sublime judo.
He has a style the like of which most of us can only dream and it was a joy to watch him scythe through his opposition on Saturday.
At a time when I doubted I could continue, his private and intelligent messages convinced me that I should at least try again, this was at a time when many of my friends were handing out the "screw your cock back on and shut up" macho style of counselling.
Well intentioned, but lacking an understanding of how this MG had affected my psychology.
Serve me right for plastering it over FB then? Damm right too, it is slightly nauseating this public breast beating and I deserved the quality of advice I got once making myself available as public property.
The second risk........ well I am going to have leave you guessing but it included various attempts upon my life, a fast car and a person I love and respect beyond belief.
Next Chapters exciting episode?
Maybe maybe not.
Over and out (even though that's not how they end a radio transmission)
Dear God who is not real please help, I'm barely a sentence in and already, with the tangent bracket combos).
London calling.... London calling.... here is a radio silence ending blog.
At the weekend I took a risk or two,
the first risk was to enter another judo competition, following the previously mentioned (see Chapter 19) fiasco in Salisbury.
I put in a reasonable amount of training put on a few kilogrammes of weight (what else could it be eh? perhaps a few kilos of light.... or colour)?
The few kilos could so easily become the few more, I can yet prove my GP right and delight him by developing his predicted moonface.
So back to 90 kg please and fast...
I don't wish to breath my last on the WC with 25lbs of compacted poo in my bowel,
Elvis you were cool but that was not.
So at U100kg I am given a choice fight in the younger age group or fight the one person in my weight / age category as a straight final and then fight the younger ones but without being allowed a medal for it?
The latter choice offered me the guarantee of at least a Silver and hopefully a Gold, as I had beaten this opponent comfortably on previous occasions (he is the one being launched in the photo of the London Open, included in one of my previous vainglorious chapters).
So.... focused, trained and determined, I attacked and threw him inside 10 seconds, for what both of us considered an 10 point ippon score (flat on his back with force).
I subsequently checked this on a video and became even more convinced that the fight should have ended in my favour with this throw........
however it didn't!
We both stopped fighting for a split second and it dawned on me that I had been awarded a 7 point Wazari score meaning the contest would continue, barely had I tried to hold him on his back and finish the job and he was free.
No problem I thought, as he mounted a series of fairly ineffective attacks.
For almost the remainder of this fight I weathered this storm which grew in intensity as he
tried to regain the lead.
He was awarded a couple of penalty shidos for technical infringements, further increasing my comfortable
(surely unassailable Mark) lead.
Unassailable? Well no actually Mark, because you had 12 seconds left did you not?
Well did you!
So did you block him out (with what could only be described as outstanding tactical awareness) for the remaining 12 seconds?
You surely understood that you could even afford to get a penalty and still win comfortably?
No?
Oh dear.....
So you decided to finish it with another throw and got countered leaving you with Silver!
Haaa fool you deserve no more...
Then onto the young ones,where I smashed a few and got smashed by a few.
Then onto the Open Weight Open age group, risky, but I was by this time,
flinging my satin gloves in the face of any one who crossed my path
(not literally you understand but figuratively).
When I say risky my first fight in this group was against a friend Spiro Tomasevic, I believe he is in his late 30's, weighing about 120kg and about 6' 4" tall he is also very capable.
This man represents the kind of challenge I took on when attacking my father as a 3 year old.
Fortunately he is a decent and good judoka and made a serious effort to spare his opponents the battering he could have provided.
In all I had so much fun in the fights I lost, as well as those I won, that I will continue to compete on this semi casual basis
(who am I kidding, I will train harder, compete more often and then disembowelling the next person I fight, I shall slide in their entrails dance a slippery little jig, and laugh at their screams as the light dies in their eyes).
I would at this point like to remind our audience (who is the 'our' in this? I thought it was just me, or am I really developing a serious mental illness as my blog unfolds, note to self; possible film script here, 'mad blogger breaks down whilst blogging then embarks on judo killing spree')
Actually I was so damm happy to be able to compete, even with this MG, that I was enjoying myself more than I can remember at a judo contest and I mean ever..... so lots more please.
The thanks for my entering this go to a good friend Winnie Graham, who overcame a broken neck as a senior, followed by a stroke as a Master to win regularly with sublime judo.
He has a style the like of which most of us can only dream and it was a joy to watch him scythe through his opposition on Saturday.
At a time when I doubted I could continue, his private and intelligent messages convinced me that I should at least try again, this was at a time when many of my friends were handing out the "screw your cock back on and shut up" macho style of counselling.
Well intentioned, but lacking an understanding of how this MG had affected my psychology.
Serve me right for plastering it over FB then? Damm right too, it is slightly nauseating this public breast beating and I deserved the quality of advice I got once making myself available as public property.
The second risk........ well I am going to have leave you guessing but it included various attempts upon my life, a fast car and a person I love and respect beyond belief.
Next Chapters exciting episode?
Maybe maybe not.
Over and out (even though that's not how they end a radio transmission)
Thursday, 5 September 2013
20 Focused or Mad........ You the Reader Decide, in our latest exciting issue.
So I commit the cardinal sin, (difficult for an atheist, but God loves a trier)
by starting a sentence with 'so'
Pseudo intellectuals are doing this, on a radio or TV near you right now.
It's a really annoying affectation and once noticed, impossible to ignore or avoid.
My instinct is that people employ it as a way of adding some gravitas to what they are about to say, almost as if you, their listener, are their appreciative audience, awaiting enlightenment.
It started as a particularly West Coast American beardy professor style delivery, where the 'so' had to include a rising inflection, suggesting a question.
It has now spread to every fool, asked any question, on any topic......
So.... what is it with me.... is it that I have finally realised how to enforce boundaries?
Have I started to understand that fools do not have to be suffered?
Is it that at last my mind is finally focused and has learned to clarify when faced with confusion?
or
Am I suffering the effects of my steroid treatment?
The steroids offer the potential for either manic feelings or depression and so far I seem to have escaped lightly.
I have to concede however I have noticed a swelling level of drive and efficiency in me, almost like I am becoming super efficient.
I have been organising planning and filing things. with a drive that is breathtaking and insisting that everyone else conform to my new found structure.
Over the last few weeks my insomnia and levels of drive have escalated to a point where I am feeling almost rocket propelled.
This effect has no apparent downside for me although it may start seeding some of my friends.
I suspect a few friends have been left reeling at my new found levels of directness, I have stopped calling a spade a long handled digging implement...... as it were.
Case #1.
I lent a 3 Disc DVD collection on Innoue to a good friend, this is a Fighting Films £65 boxed set, but he is my friend.
A few months later I ask for and finally get them back.
Days after this I get a call...
"Mark I think you may have one of my DVD's as your 'The Uchi Mata' is in my 'Judo World Championship The Heavyweights' box.
I check...... he is right (perhaps for the last time on this blog).
I have his DVD in my box, and it was returned (by him) in error.
No problem we will swap when we meet, except that the next time we meet, its because he is returning course work to me that I also lent him about 6 months previously.
" I cant find that DVD"
Texts he
"Bollocks"
Thinks I
"Could you have another look at your place" and "are you sure you lent it to me?"
Texts he
"I definitely lent it to you"
Texts I
oh and ....."you lost it you stupid shitbag" thinks I
"Keep your hair on"
Texts he,
Did you get that? he was the one who alerted me to the fact that he had given me his DVD in error, Remember... he only realised this as he found mine, MINE! the one that he was now hinting I had never given him....
So he forgets the back story and then, surprised at my reaction asks me to keep my hair on.
On each of my replies I ended with "see you later" as I was about to go training and was also having a running row with my wife, whilst trying to deal with this.
Not unlike Hitler (I mean the war on two fronts not my temper you fools).
Note to self: give nothing lend nothing that you are not prepared to lose,
or, put more simply,
give nothing worth a shit to people that spend more time taking than giving...
Confronted by my re- telling of this sorry story face to face, he started to promise he would replace it, despite that I explained twice that I didn't need him to.
I had decided that with my life lesson learned I would replace it myself, but he continued to promise that he would (even explaining for reasons that are beyond me, that he had told his wife this and she agreed, so that's all right then).
I finally cracked telling him to "f*cking replace it then and stop saying you are going to"!
Guess what he said?.....
Go on guess.....
Keep your hair on! TWAT
Case #2
On Tuesday I got a voicemail from a local primary school where I teach twoclasses of judo each week.
I had previously been warned that the hall would be out of use in this first week of term.
This message however explained however, that the judo would not be able to restart until further notice as the breakfast club was now using it.
They promised they would be in touch when once they could give me a date to restart.
This is one of my favourite schools, and with two large classes it is also a significant part of my income.
I had already dropped an after school class at another school on Thursdays as a consequence of my helping my ailing freind and mentor Don Werner with Pinewood Judo Club.
With the news still boiling in my head I made a quick call to them to this school.
"How would you like me to reinstate that class but on Thursday mornings as I think I have found you a slot"
"Great"
said they
"Great"
said me
"No rush but when the judo restarts you had better explain to the parents that it will now be only one class and not two"
Said I to the other school.
"Oh what will we do? there are 40 children doing judo!"
I admit to a sense of satisfaction with the effect my news had on the, up until now relaxed
messenger.
"Start a waiting list"
Said I
Whilst it is not there fault, I cannot believe that this situation became apparent on the first day back,
and it is not my fault either. It is about me defending my family income I explained.
They were fairly casual with their approach to my business and this is not an approach I can share with them.
It moved in approx. 10 minutes from me needing them, to them understanding that they needed me.
I now seem to have developed an uncanny and useful knack of cutting straight through the embarrassed middle class footwork, that does no more than obscure unfairness.
Believe me I was Michael Flatley when it came to this offence avoidance footwork, well not anymore..
I am hopeful that the lessons I am learning through my steroid side effects are going to stay with me beyond the point where I come off of them.
Another silver lining thanks MG and better late than never eh?
Mr Direct coming to a town near you soon be straight be very straight....
by starting a sentence with 'so'
Pseudo intellectuals are doing this, on a radio or TV near you right now.
It's a really annoying affectation and once noticed, impossible to ignore or avoid.
My instinct is that people employ it as a way of adding some gravitas to what they are about to say, almost as if you, their listener, are their appreciative audience, awaiting enlightenment.
It started as a particularly West Coast American beardy professor style delivery, where the 'so' had to include a rising inflection, suggesting a question.
It has now spread to every fool, asked any question, on any topic......
So.... what is it with me.... is it that I have finally realised how to enforce boundaries?
Have I started to understand that fools do not have to be suffered?
Is it that at last my mind is finally focused and has learned to clarify when faced with confusion?
or
Am I suffering the effects of my steroid treatment?
The steroids offer the potential for either manic feelings or depression and so far I seem to have escaped lightly.
I have to concede however I have noticed a swelling level of drive and efficiency in me, almost like I am becoming super efficient.
I have been organising planning and filing things. with a drive that is breathtaking and insisting that everyone else conform to my new found structure.
Over the last few weeks my insomnia and levels of drive have escalated to a point where I am feeling almost rocket propelled.
This effect has no apparent downside for me although it may start seeding some of my friends.
I suspect a few friends have been left reeling at my new found levels of directness, I have stopped calling a spade a long handled digging implement...... as it were.
Case #1.
I lent a 3 Disc DVD collection on Innoue to a good friend, this is a Fighting Films £65 boxed set, but he is my friend.
A few months later I ask for and finally get them back.
Days after this I get a call...
"Mark I think you may have one of my DVD's as your 'The Uchi Mata' is in my 'Judo World Championship The Heavyweights' box.
I check...... he is right (perhaps for the last time on this blog).
I have his DVD in my box, and it was returned (by him) in error.
No problem we will swap when we meet, except that the next time we meet, its because he is returning course work to me that I also lent him about 6 months previously.
" I cant find that DVD"
Texts he
"Bollocks"
Thinks I
"Could you have another look at your place" and "are you sure you lent it to me?"
Texts he
"I definitely lent it to you"
Texts I
oh and ....."you lost it you stupid shitbag" thinks I
"Keep your hair on"
Texts he,
Did you get that? he was the one who alerted me to the fact that he had given me his DVD in error, Remember... he only realised this as he found mine, MINE! the one that he was now hinting I had never given him....
So he forgets the back story and then, surprised at my reaction asks me to keep my hair on.
On each of my replies I ended with "see you later" as I was about to go training and was also having a running row with my wife, whilst trying to deal with this.
Not unlike Hitler (I mean the war on two fronts not my temper you fools).
Note to self: give nothing lend nothing that you are not prepared to lose,
or, put more simply,
give nothing worth a shit to people that spend more time taking than giving...
Confronted by my re- telling of this sorry story face to face, he started to promise he would replace it, despite that I explained twice that I didn't need him to.
I had decided that with my life lesson learned I would replace it myself, but he continued to promise that he would (even explaining for reasons that are beyond me, that he had told his wife this and she agreed, so that's all right then).
I finally cracked telling him to "f*cking replace it then and stop saying you are going to"!
Guess what he said?.....
Go on guess.....
Keep your hair on! TWAT
Case #2
On Tuesday I got a voicemail from a local primary school where I teach twoclasses of judo each week.
I had previously been warned that the hall would be out of use in this first week of term.
This message however explained however, that the judo would not be able to restart until further notice as the breakfast club was now using it.
They promised they would be in touch when once they could give me a date to restart.
This is one of my favourite schools, and with two large classes it is also a significant part of my income.
I had already dropped an after school class at another school on Thursdays as a consequence of my helping my ailing freind and mentor Don Werner with Pinewood Judo Club.
With the news still boiling in my head I made a quick call to them to this school.
"How would you like me to reinstate that class but on Thursday mornings as I think I have found you a slot"
"Great"
said they
"Great"
said me
"No rush but when the judo restarts you had better explain to the parents that it will now be only one class and not two"
Said I to the other school.
"Oh what will we do? there are 40 children doing judo!"
I admit to a sense of satisfaction with the effect my news had on the, up until now relaxed
messenger.
"Start a waiting list"
Said I
Whilst it is not there fault, I cannot believe that this situation became apparent on the first day back,
and it is not my fault either. It is about me defending my family income I explained.
They were fairly casual with their approach to my business and this is not an approach I can share with them.
It moved in approx. 10 minutes from me needing them, to them understanding that they needed me.
I now seem to have developed an uncanny and useful knack of cutting straight through the embarrassed middle class footwork, that does no more than obscure unfairness.
Believe me I was Michael Flatley when it came to this offence avoidance footwork, well not anymore..
I am hopeful that the lessons I am learning through my steroid side effects are going to stay with me beyond the point where I come off of them.
Another silver lining thanks MG and better late than never eh?
Mr Direct coming to a town near you soon be straight be very straight....
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