Hello again old friend,
It's been a while eh?
I have been reluctant to post anything over the last few weeks particularly as this blog,
in name at least, is supposed to centre on my MG and I have been holding my breath (not literally of course, that would be silly).
Back in October my neurologist, Richard, explained that my progress on the steroid treatment had been good and that I was ready to enter the next phase of my treatment,
this was to involve a steady decrease of my steroid dose, whilst I began taking a new immunosuppressant drug (also used in chemotherapy).
Richard is, as I have already explained a warm and hugely capable person but,
like most capable people he is under huge pressure of work.
Consequently the prescription for this new drug took some weeks to get to me.
Once I had the prescription and the new drug, I looked with interest at the possible side effects (of which he had warned me).
The possibility of serious side effects, coupled with the frequency of necessary blood tests, gave me pause for thought.
I had begun to suspect that the physical effects that I was experiencing maybe a result of the steroids I was taking rather than the disease and that I might be in a remission.
I then decided on a course of action that may seem foolhardy (if you read this please forgive me Richard).
It struck me that if this disease was for life, I could afford to reduce the steroid dose and see what effect it had, I began to do this over a period of a couple of weeks until about 4 weeks ago when I stopped entirely
and waited......
and waited......
and waited.....
and (thats enough we get the picture thanks Ed.)
Sofa so good (or is that Land of Leather)
Without any trace of a symptom, I regularly forget that I had (have) this disease,
and occasionally, like now, I perform a kind of mental stock take....
Droopy eyelid? No
Weakness in my neck or shoulders? No
Any difficulty in breathing/swallowing? No
I am very strict with this evaluation as it would be easy to overlook something subconsciously
in the hope that I am in remission.
I am aware that there will presumably be some residual steroid in my body and that this may still working, however given that I reduced the dose to zero before stopping I cannot imagine that this could be the case for much longer.
One thing that I have noticed is the steroid mania that gave rise to many machine gun style monologues
has left me.....
I actually miss it but doubt if anyone else does!
The new direct way of approaching issues that this gave me however, is still there and this is a
a relief because I feared this maybe only a temporary chemical advantage.
If I wake up tomorrow with the tell tale droopy eyelid I suppose I have at least enjoyed a brief holiday from it and I shall have to resume where I left off, in the knowledge that if it is a lifetime disease I have only lost a couple of months. The conversation with Richard maybe embarrassing though!
" You did WHAT!"
I thought it might be a good idea to stop the carefully considered treatment programme that you had
me on.
" So you decided this based on WHAT EXACTLY"?
It just felt like I might be better.
Mmmmm put like that......
Faced with the possibility that I am one of the lucky people that go into remission
I shall soon have no excuse left to avoid serious training.
When I consider how fit I was back in June when this hit the fan it really does feel like a mountain
to climb from where I am now, but it will be nice to make a start charting my route to base camp.
What will I discuss on here without MG.......
how about this nasty rash on my scrotum?
HAPPY CHRISTMAS!
Saturday, 21 December 2013
Wednesday, 6 November 2013
Chapter 24 I'm not bein funny yeah?
So after 45 Years of practising judo and 5 years teaching it full time I find myself just beginning to understand how little I know (cue round of applause from serried ranks of old ladies Monty Python style, he's soooo self effacing soooo humble modest and attractive with it).
A humble 'don't mind lil ol me' start to what I fear maybe a steroid rage in virtual print.
45 Years...... think about that.....
Think about the cumulative experience much of it unconscious, but more recently the conscious effort to understand, to analyse and disseminate this knowledge in a way that can help others to short cut the time it took me to arrive where I am.
Last night I was approached by the parent of a very young child who has just (3 weeks) started judo.
"Can I have a quick word"?
he asked........
"Have a slow one".
I quipped.....
"My son was doing something he shouldn't have been doing earlier and neither you or Don noticed, I'm not sure what I should have done as Don didn't seem happy for me to tell my son direct about what he was doing wrong".............
YOU ARE FUCKING JOKING I thought...
He said, he never quite made me understand what this was, gripping the head was as far as we got.
"Have a look at the Walls" I said (bedecked with World Championship, International and National success memorabilia),
"he hasn't done a bad job so far".
"Without your son or your help" I didnt add.
"Have you done judo"?
I asked the question knowing the answer (tried and failed, tried and gave up, he must succeed where I failed etc).
"Yeah a little bit when I was younger".
At this point I suggested he re start judo by trying a Wednesday night session.
I explained that this might give some insight into what his son is facing.
He changed the subject quickly, explaining that he 'ran through the hold downs' with his son at home.
He may have read the expression in my eyes as he hastily added that the size difference between him, a grown adult and his 5 year old son, brought its own practical problems to these drills.
My expression had more to do with the idea that an adult could imagine that 3 weeks watching gave him the unique insight into this sport that could not only replace over a 100 years of cumulative experience at his son's disposal that night, but more importantly, the confidence to ask permission to coach his child.
Coaching is difficult enough without the constant rear guard action necessary to hold back the tide of dad's that hover out of their chairs, whispering commands to their poor children, who constantly have half their attention on their fathers, (and yes in my experience, it IS fathers not mothers, although there are exceptions to this rule).
The 'advice' proffered is usually the last thing they heard (and half understood) the coach say.
This is then chanted as a mantra, irrespective of the situation, or it's demands...
"turn him over!"
bet he didn't think of that don't forget to tell him to breathe whilst your at it.
"arm roll!"
Usually suggested when their child is laying prone, face down flat on the mat, with the tips of their opponents fingers grazing their armpit.
"drive it"
Always a favourite, implying as it does, a manly determination, and yet vague enough for almost any scenario.
You have no idea how difficult this stuff is for an adult, let alone a 5 year old who is still making the neuromuscular connections and gaining the motor skills an adult (even a coach) can take for granted.
The poor children stuck between this rock and a hard place are desperate to satisfy their fathers and gain their respect.
This is the respect and love that they are owed without condition from a parent.
They are their fathers....so much more than their coaches could ever be.
If they got their job right and left us to do ours, or perhaps spend 40 years doing it, then start a club, then train a few world champions and Olympians and then perhaps begin to understand how much they still have to learn.
Second thoughts shut up and sit down I'm doing
(and it is costing me a fortune in lost earnings)!
Footnote: I address the issue of the fools and NOT the well informed, well intentioned and knowledgeable parents who spend countless hours at the side of the judo mat, sharing their child's dreams and sacrificing their money and social lives in the process.
A humble 'don't mind lil ol me' start to what I fear maybe a steroid rage in virtual print.
45 Years...... think about that.....
Think about the cumulative experience much of it unconscious, but more recently the conscious effort to understand, to analyse and disseminate this knowledge in a way that can help others to short cut the time it took me to arrive where I am.
Last night I was approached by the parent of a very young child who has just (3 weeks) started judo.
"Can I have a quick word"?
he asked........
"Have a slow one".
I quipped.....
"My son was doing something he shouldn't have been doing earlier and neither you or Don noticed, I'm not sure what I should have done as Don didn't seem happy for me to tell my son direct about what he was doing wrong".............
YOU ARE FUCKING JOKING I thought...
He said, he never quite made me understand what this was, gripping the head was as far as we got.
"Have a look at the Walls" I said (bedecked with World Championship, International and National success memorabilia),
"he hasn't done a bad job so far".
"Without your son or your help" I didnt add.
"Have you done judo"?
I asked the question knowing the answer (tried and failed, tried and gave up, he must succeed where I failed etc).
"Yeah a little bit when I was younger".
At this point I suggested he re start judo by trying a Wednesday night session.
I explained that this might give some insight into what his son is facing.
He changed the subject quickly, explaining that he 'ran through the hold downs' with his son at home.
He may have read the expression in my eyes as he hastily added that the size difference between him, a grown adult and his 5 year old son, brought its own practical problems to these drills.
My expression had more to do with the idea that an adult could imagine that 3 weeks watching gave him the unique insight into this sport that could not only replace over a 100 years of cumulative experience at his son's disposal that night, but more importantly, the confidence to ask permission to coach his child.
Coaching is difficult enough without the constant rear guard action necessary to hold back the tide of dad's that hover out of their chairs, whispering commands to their poor children, who constantly have half their attention on their fathers, (and yes in my experience, it IS fathers not mothers, although there are exceptions to this rule).
The 'advice' proffered is usually the last thing they heard (and half understood) the coach say.
This is then chanted as a mantra, irrespective of the situation, or it's demands...
"turn him over!"
bet he didn't think of that don't forget to tell him to breathe whilst your at it.
"arm roll!"
Usually suggested when their child is laying prone, face down flat on the mat, with the tips of their opponents fingers grazing their armpit.
"drive it"
Always a favourite, implying as it does, a manly determination, and yet vague enough for almost any scenario.
You have no idea how difficult this stuff is for an adult, let alone a 5 year old who is still making the neuromuscular connections and gaining the motor skills an adult (even a coach) can take for granted.
The poor children stuck between this rock and a hard place are desperate to satisfy their fathers and gain their respect.
This is the respect and love that they are owed without condition from a parent.
They are their fathers....so much more than their coaches could ever be.
If they got their job right and left us to do ours, or perhaps spend 40 years doing it, then start a club, then train a few world champions and Olympians and then perhaps begin to understand how much they still have to learn.
Second thoughts shut up and sit down I'm doing
(and it is costing me a fortune in lost earnings)!
Footnote: I address the issue of the fools and NOT the well informed, well intentioned and knowledgeable parents who spend countless hours at the side of the judo mat, sharing their child's dreams and sacrificing their money and social lives in the process.
Saturday, 19 October 2013
With two Chapter 21s is this 22 or 23? Do you care?
This ol disease has transformed my life.
A bold statement and a promising start to Chapter 23/ 24.
My wife is a psycho
(logical) counsellor and with English as her second language, she has been writing essays regularly, as part of her coursework.
I have helped to check and edit these essays and as a consequence of this I have been grasping at some of the basic principals of this study.
In effect I have been receiving my own general education in psychology.
It is a fascinating area and I find myself applying it's principals more often, not only to other people and their interactions and motivations but also to myself.
The new directness that I mentioned previously on this blog may be a partial consequence of the steroids that I have been taking, as they came with warning of possible side effects including feelings of mania or depression.
Whilst I do not consider myself depressed I can say, with some certainty that I am occasionally manic and.
many poor parents can bear testament to this.
I sometimes feel like I am hit with an understanding of the 'truth' beneath the complex layers that people use to mask their emotional responses or intentions.
Once I have hit this understanding it feels as though I have peeled away the layers of an onion and it is both invigorating and exciting.....
Unfortunately at this point I usually feel it necessary to explain it to whoever will listen (and they don't get a choice).
My monologues are delivered at 100mph and allow no interruption.....
Yes Mark that's interesting.....
Read...... please I need to go
Oh really?
Read.... REALLY, I really need to go!
Example:
I attended a children's judo competition recently, not as a coach but as a spectator.
This gave me a great opportunity to step back from the trees and see the wood, an objective view of this sport that I love.
It was a truly unedifying spectacle,
I watched as Coaches screamed instructions at their young charges, desperately trying to micro manage their performances like deranged puppeteers.
If these unfortunate children made a mistake they would be subjected to a loud and public humiliation
in full angry dad style.
This bullying was delivered from the person they were relying on to provide a calm and thoughtful influence at this stressful time.
This of course is person who should be able to take a strategic view of their progress and then adjust their training regime to address any problems that might become have become apparent.
The coach should have been working to equip their fighter to find in themselves what they need to handle the demands faced in a contest, but this kind of independence is an overlooked and undervalued asset.
How could someone in this position abuse the trust they had fostered I thought......
(those dots indicate me thinking, suppose a question mark might have done a better job, here you go have this one and don't lose it ?).
It suddenly hit me the whole picture!
The truth of this was that the coaches saw their children as extensions of themselves........
(not thinking now just a dramatic pause)
Vehicles for their own ego........
(tell us Mark, Oh Guru, oh wise one, don't leave us hanging)
Using these convenient little vehicles they could demonstrate to the world, and themselves, their inherent superiority,
Until of course they lose.
It then becomes necessary for the puppet master to explain loudly to his audience that it was the puppet that was faulty.
So these screaming attacks, whilst on the surface seem to be directed at the child,
in fact are aimed, via the child, towards the watching adults, (both spectators and coaches).
"IT WASN'T ME!!!"
Once aware of the dynamics of this situation... I considered that the other reason that coaches overlook the importance of helping their competitor reach a state of capable independence is that it
makes it more difficult for them to hoover up the credit.
This credit is really the motivating driver for their coaching, possibly they have an insecurity that needs to be bolstered by the credit?
Maybe they were made to feel inadequate as children subjected by parents or coaches themselves to this kind of conditional love?
My instinct is that suits their subconscious purpose to engender and propagate a mutual need.
Coaches often joke that if their competitor wins it was because they, the coach got it right,
conversely, when they lose it is the fault of the child........
Closer to the truth than they probably realise.
On the other hand I might just be mad.
A bold statement and a promising start to Chapter 23/ 24.
My wife is a psycho
(logical) counsellor and with English as her second language, she has been writing essays regularly, as part of her coursework.
I have helped to check and edit these essays and as a consequence of this I have been grasping at some of the basic principals of this study.
In effect I have been receiving my own general education in psychology.
It is a fascinating area and I find myself applying it's principals more often, not only to other people and their interactions and motivations but also to myself.
The new directness that I mentioned previously on this blog may be a partial consequence of the steroids that I have been taking, as they came with warning of possible side effects including feelings of mania or depression.
Whilst I do not consider myself depressed I can say, with some certainty that I am occasionally manic and.
many poor parents can bear testament to this.
I sometimes feel like I am hit with an understanding of the 'truth' beneath the complex layers that people use to mask their emotional responses or intentions.
Once I have hit this understanding it feels as though I have peeled away the layers of an onion and it is both invigorating and exciting.....
Unfortunately at this point I usually feel it necessary to explain it to whoever will listen (and they don't get a choice).
My monologues are delivered at 100mph and allow no interruption.....
Yes Mark that's interesting.....
Read...... please I need to go
Oh really?
Read.... REALLY, I really need to go!
Example:
I attended a children's judo competition recently, not as a coach but as a spectator.
This gave me a great opportunity to step back from the trees and see the wood, an objective view of this sport that I love.
It was a truly unedifying spectacle,
I watched as Coaches screamed instructions at their young charges, desperately trying to micro manage their performances like deranged puppeteers.
If these unfortunate children made a mistake they would be subjected to a loud and public humiliation
in full angry dad style.
This bullying was delivered from the person they were relying on to provide a calm and thoughtful influence at this stressful time.
This of course is person who should be able to take a strategic view of their progress and then adjust their training regime to address any problems that might become have become apparent.
The coach should have been working to equip their fighter to find in themselves what they need to handle the demands faced in a contest, but this kind of independence is an overlooked and undervalued asset.
How could someone in this position abuse the trust they had fostered I thought......
(those dots indicate me thinking, suppose a question mark might have done a better job, here you go have this one and don't lose it ?).
It suddenly hit me the whole picture!
The truth of this was that the coaches saw their children as extensions of themselves........
(not thinking now just a dramatic pause)
Vehicles for their own ego........
(tell us Mark, Oh Guru, oh wise one, don't leave us hanging)
Using these convenient little vehicles they could demonstrate to the world, and themselves, their inherent superiority,
Until of course they lose.
It then becomes necessary for the puppet master to explain loudly to his audience that it was the puppet that was faulty.
So these screaming attacks, whilst on the surface seem to be directed at the child,
in fact are aimed, via the child, towards the watching adults, (both spectators and coaches).
"IT WASN'T ME!!!"
Once aware of the dynamics of this situation... I considered that the other reason that coaches overlook the importance of helping their competitor reach a state of capable independence is that it
makes it more difficult for them to hoover up the credit.
This credit is really the motivating driver for their coaching, possibly they have an insecurity that needs to be bolstered by the credit?
Maybe they were made to feel inadequate as children subjected by parents or coaches themselves to this kind of conditional love?
My instinct is that suits their subconscious purpose to engender and propagate a mutual need.
Coaches often joke that if their competitor wins it was because they, the coach got it right,
conversely, when they lose it is the fault of the child........
Closer to the truth than they probably realise.
On the other hand I might just be mad.
Friday, 27 September 2013
21 Tempus Fugit
My face is illuminated by the white light of the puter and I am listening to the sounds of 5.20 am.
Snuffling breathing wife and toddler sounds, strangely comforting sounds but I wish that I could sleep.
This insomnia is a symptom of the steroids apparently and something I shall have to accept, at least until
I start to reduce the dose. Dr Armstrong was pleased with my progress and at our last meeting suggested that in December my dose will begin being reduced.
This makes me happy as I am not certain but suspect that there is a slight thickening below my chin and around my neck.....
AAAAAAAGH BLOODY MOON FACE!
It is easy for me to forget that, back at the beginning, I was struggling to talk or see,
now, a few short months later here I am having a little princess moment.
Bloody GP will be a bit smug though.
When I started this blog it was a way to release the pressure of my situation and communicate with anyone interested in my situation, and this is why it was titled after the disease (this feels like a constraint to the content now, so forgive me if I wander off piste, also forgive the bloody brackets....again).
Overtime however I confess that I have enjoyed the chance to express my thoughts and realised that I really enjoy writing, so there it is, and your stuck with it, blame the ones who encouraged me.
I can see it now, some crusty old pensioner knocking out hideously garish watercolours by the yard..... encouraged years ago by some well meaning family member....
"Oh uncle Roger that really is rather good, you should take this up"
Now faced with this deluge of childlike rubbish they have long ago run out of nice things to say.....
and still he paints, convinced of his genius.
Some of this, when I read it back, feels like it belongs to someone else.
Occasionally funny but often whining and self indulgent, I suppose that is the truth of it though.
My intention was always to try and allow it to pass unfiltered to the virtual page, the only editing was to
spare any offence although looking back I imagine I may have failed on that count!
I remind myself that this is a public forum only to forget a few sentences later, which is good because I
prefer to treat it as a diary.
Life has a habit of throwing surprises and recently I was told that we had to quit our lovely flat as the freeholder is putting the property up for sale.
It was a huge shock as I have lived here now for so long that I had almost forgotten that we are tenants
and it is a sad thought that our plans for this place are now redundant.
Change is inevitable and this is a lesson that will repeat for as long as we draw breath, it is only when shocked by these shifting foundations that we seem to remember, it is as though we are consigned to spending our brief time swimming in circles with our 2 second goldfish memories.....
Ooooh what's around the corner?
A plastic sunken castle, wow!
Ooooh what's around the corner?
A plastic sunken castle, wow!
Ooooh what's around the corner?
A plastic sunken castle, wow! (replete with plastic mermaid)
Perhaps our need for certainty makes this a necessary device or coping strategy.
With the help of people who care, we are now planning a move to a 3 bedroom house,
this situation now feels less like a disaster and more like an opportunity to start a new chapter in our lives,
which, whilst it sounds like some smug self help approach, is true.
So we can look forward to living here for ever and ever and being happy and........ Ut oh.
The sand really does feel like it is shifting under me at the moment.
At the centre of my judo centred life, stands a person who has been part of my life since he started coaching me 45 years ago.
He has recently been suffering from serious health problems which make all of this MG stuff look like
a day at the seaside.
With his illness as an ever present backdrop at the club he has built, I have noticed that it has drawn everyone together and the sense of family is palpable.
I am hopeful that he has been aware of this and drawn some comfort from it.
Supporting him lately with his coaching has given me a deeper understanding and affection for him and I intend to grab every chance I get to live in the moment....
this moment
NOW! (grab it now while stocks last)
I could be sleeping now what a waste of time that is.
aaaaand finally dear reader take a bow, without you etc....
Snuffling breathing wife and toddler sounds, strangely comforting sounds but I wish that I could sleep.
This insomnia is a symptom of the steroids apparently and something I shall have to accept, at least until
I start to reduce the dose. Dr Armstrong was pleased with my progress and at our last meeting suggested that in December my dose will begin being reduced.
This makes me happy as I am not certain but suspect that there is a slight thickening below my chin and around my neck.....
AAAAAAAGH BLOODY MOON FACE!
It is easy for me to forget that, back at the beginning, I was struggling to talk or see,
now, a few short months later here I am having a little princess moment.
Bloody GP will be a bit smug though.
When I started this blog it was a way to release the pressure of my situation and communicate with anyone interested in my situation, and this is why it was titled after the disease (this feels like a constraint to the content now, so forgive me if I wander off piste, also forgive the bloody brackets....again).
Overtime however I confess that I have enjoyed the chance to express my thoughts and realised that I really enjoy writing, so there it is, and your stuck with it, blame the ones who encouraged me.
I can see it now, some crusty old pensioner knocking out hideously garish watercolours by the yard..... encouraged years ago by some well meaning family member....
"Oh uncle Roger that really is rather good, you should take this up"
Now faced with this deluge of childlike rubbish they have long ago run out of nice things to say.....
and still he paints, convinced of his genius.
Some of this, when I read it back, feels like it belongs to someone else.
Occasionally funny but often whining and self indulgent, I suppose that is the truth of it though.
My intention was always to try and allow it to pass unfiltered to the virtual page, the only editing was to
spare any offence although looking back I imagine I may have failed on that count!
I remind myself that this is a public forum only to forget a few sentences later, which is good because I
prefer to treat it as a diary.
Life has a habit of throwing surprises and recently I was told that we had to quit our lovely flat as the freeholder is putting the property up for sale.
It was a huge shock as I have lived here now for so long that I had almost forgotten that we are tenants
and it is a sad thought that our plans for this place are now redundant.
Change is inevitable and this is a lesson that will repeat for as long as we draw breath, it is only when shocked by these shifting foundations that we seem to remember, it is as though we are consigned to spending our brief time swimming in circles with our 2 second goldfish memories.....
Ooooh what's around the corner?
A plastic sunken castle, wow!
Ooooh what's around the corner?
A plastic sunken castle, wow!
Ooooh what's around the corner?
A plastic sunken castle, wow! (replete with plastic mermaid)
Perhaps our need for certainty makes this a necessary device or coping strategy.
With the help of people who care, we are now planning a move to a 3 bedroom house,
this situation now feels less like a disaster and more like an opportunity to start a new chapter in our lives,
which, whilst it sounds like some smug self help approach, is true.
So we can look forward to living here for ever and ever and being happy and........ Ut oh.
The sand really does feel like it is shifting under me at the moment.
At the centre of my judo centred life, stands a person who has been part of my life since he started coaching me 45 years ago.
He has recently been suffering from serious health problems which make all of this MG stuff look like
a day at the seaside.
With his illness as an ever present backdrop at the club he has built, I have noticed that it has drawn everyone together and the sense of family is palpable.
I am hopeful that he has been aware of this and drawn some comfort from it.
Supporting him lately with his coaching has given me a deeper understanding and affection for him and I intend to grab every chance I get to live in the moment....
this moment
NOW! (grab it now while stocks last)
I could be sleeping now what a waste of time that is.
aaaaand finally dear reader take a bow, without you etc....
Tuesday, 24 September 2013
Chapter 21 Radio Silence Over .....Come in please ....Over.......ppsssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Still stinging from the accusation of radio silence (rarely such a thing in my experience.. I always hear that static.....ppsssssssssshhhhh not sure how many s's in that SS! Don't get me started,
Dear God who is not real please help, I'm barely a sentence in and already, with the tangent bracket combos).
London calling.... London calling.... here is a radio silence ending blog.
At the weekend I took a risk or two,
the first risk was to enter another judo competition, following the previously mentioned (see Chapter 19) fiasco in Salisbury.
I put in a reasonable amount of training put on a few kilogrammes of weight (what else could it be eh? perhaps a few kilos of light.... or colour)?
The few kilos could so easily become the few more, I can yet prove my GP right and delight him by developing his predicted moonface.
So back to 90 kg please and fast...
I don't wish to breath my last on the WC with 25lbs of compacted poo in my bowel,
Elvis you were cool but that was not.
So at U100kg I am given a choice fight in the younger age group or fight the one person in my weight / age category as a straight final and then fight the younger ones but without being allowed a medal for it?
The latter choice offered me the guarantee of at least a Silver and hopefully a Gold, as I had beaten this opponent comfortably on previous occasions (he is the one being launched in the photo of the London Open, included in one of my previous vainglorious chapters).
So.... focused, trained and determined, I attacked and threw him inside 10 seconds, for what both of us considered an 10 point ippon score (flat on his back with force).
I subsequently checked this on a video and became even more convinced that the fight should have ended in my favour with this throw........
however it didn't!
We both stopped fighting for a split second and it dawned on me that I had been awarded a 7 point Wazari score meaning the contest would continue, barely had I tried to hold him on his back and finish the job and he was free.
No problem I thought, as he mounted a series of fairly ineffective attacks.
For almost the remainder of this fight I weathered this storm which grew in intensity as he
tried to regain the lead.
He was awarded a couple of penalty shidos for technical infringements, further increasing my comfortable
(surely unassailable Mark) lead.
Unassailable? Well no actually Mark, because you had 12 seconds left did you not?
Well did you!
So did you block him out (with what could only be described as outstanding tactical awareness) for the remaining 12 seconds?
You surely understood that you could even afford to get a penalty and still win comfortably?
No?
Oh dear.....
So you decided to finish it with another throw and got countered leaving you with Silver!
Haaa fool you deserve no more...
Then onto the young ones,where I smashed a few and got smashed by a few.
Then onto the Open Weight Open age group, risky, but I was by this time,
flinging my satin gloves in the face of any one who crossed my path
(not literally you understand but figuratively).
When I say risky my first fight in this group was against a friend Spiro Tomasevic, I believe he is in his late 30's, weighing about 120kg and about 6' 4" tall he is also very capable.
This man represents the kind of challenge I took on when attacking my father as a 3 year old.
Fortunately he is a decent and good judoka and made a serious effort to spare his opponents the battering he could have provided.
In all I had so much fun in the fights I lost, as well as those I won, that I will continue to compete on this semi casual basis
(who am I kidding, I will train harder, compete more often and then disembowelling the next person I fight, I shall slide in their entrails dance a slippery little jig, and laugh at their screams as the light dies in their eyes).
I would at this point like to remind our audience (who is the 'our' in this? I thought it was just me, or am I really developing a serious mental illness as my blog unfolds, note to self; possible film script here, 'mad blogger breaks down whilst blogging then embarks on judo killing spree')
Actually I was so damm happy to be able to compete, even with this MG, that I was enjoying myself more than I can remember at a judo contest and I mean ever..... so lots more please.
The thanks for my entering this go to a good friend Winnie Graham, who overcame a broken neck as a senior, followed by a stroke as a Master to win regularly with sublime judo.
He has a style the like of which most of us can only dream and it was a joy to watch him scythe through his opposition on Saturday.
At a time when I doubted I could continue, his private and intelligent messages convinced me that I should at least try again, this was at a time when many of my friends were handing out the "screw your cock back on and shut up" macho style of counselling.
Well intentioned, but lacking an understanding of how this MG had affected my psychology.
Serve me right for plastering it over FB then? Damm right too, it is slightly nauseating this public breast beating and I deserved the quality of advice I got once making myself available as public property.
The second risk........ well I am going to have leave you guessing but it included various attempts upon my life, a fast car and a person I love and respect beyond belief.
Next Chapters exciting episode?
Maybe maybe not.
Over and out (even though that's not how they end a radio transmission)
Dear God who is not real please help, I'm barely a sentence in and already, with the tangent bracket combos).
London calling.... London calling.... here is a radio silence ending blog.
At the weekend I took a risk or two,
the first risk was to enter another judo competition, following the previously mentioned (see Chapter 19) fiasco in Salisbury.
I put in a reasonable amount of training put on a few kilogrammes of weight (what else could it be eh? perhaps a few kilos of light.... or colour)?
The few kilos could so easily become the few more, I can yet prove my GP right and delight him by developing his predicted moonface.
So back to 90 kg please and fast...
I don't wish to breath my last on the WC with 25lbs of compacted poo in my bowel,
Elvis you were cool but that was not.
So at U100kg I am given a choice fight in the younger age group or fight the one person in my weight / age category as a straight final and then fight the younger ones but without being allowed a medal for it?
The latter choice offered me the guarantee of at least a Silver and hopefully a Gold, as I had beaten this opponent comfortably on previous occasions (he is the one being launched in the photo of the London Open, included in one of my previous vainglorious chapters).
So.... focused, trained and determined, I attacked and threw him inside 10 seconds, for what both of us considered an 10 point ippon score (flat on his back with force).
I subsequently checked this on a video and became even more convinced that the fight should have ended in my favour with this throw........
however it didn't!
We both stopped fighting for a split second and it dawned on me that I had been awarded a 7 point Wazari score meaning the contest would continue, barely had I tried to hold him on his back and finish the job and he was free.
No problem I thought, as he mounted a series of fairly ineffective attacks.
For almost the remainder of this fight I weathered this storm which grew in intensity as he
tried to regain the lead.
He was awarded a couple of penalty shidos for technical infringements, further increasing my comfortable
(surely unassailable Mark) lead.
Unassailable? Well no actually Mark, because you had 12 seconds left did you not?
Well did you!
So did you block him out (with what could only be described as outstanding tactical awareness) for the remaining 12 seconds?
You surely understood that you could even afford to get a penalty and still win comfortably?
No?
Oh dear.....
So you decided to finish it with another throw and got countered leaving you with Silver!
Haaa fool you deserve no more...
Then onto the young ones,where I smashed a few and got smashed by a few.
Then onto the Open Weight Open age group, risky, but I was by this time,
flinging my satin gloves in the face of any one who crossed my path
(not literally you understand but figuratively).
When I say risky my first fight in this group was against a friend Spiro Tomasevic, I believe he is in his late 30's, weighing about 120kg and about 6' 4" tall he is also very capable.
This man represents the kind of challenge I took on when attacking my father as a 3 year old.
Fortunately he is a decent and good judoka and made a serious effort to spare his opponents the battering he could have provided.
In all I had so much fun in the fights I lost, as well as those I won, that I will continue to compete on this semi casual basis
(who am I kidding, I will train harder, compete more often and then disembowelling the next person I fight, I shall slide in their entrails dance a slippery little jig, and laugh at their screams as the light dies in their eyes).
I would at this point like to remind our audience (who is the 'our' in this? I thought it was just me, or am I really developing a serious mental illness as my blog unfolds, note to self; possible film script here, 'mad blogger breaks down whilst blogging then embarks on judo killing spree')
Actually I was so damm happy to be able to compete, even with this MG, that I was enjoying myself more than I can remember at a judo contest and I mean ever..... so lots more please.
The thanks for my entering this go to a good friend Winnie Graham, who overcame a broken neck as a senior, followed by a stroke as a Master to win regularly with sublime judo.
He has a style the like of which most of us can only dream and it was a joy to watch him scythe through his opposition on Saturday.
At a time when I doubted I could continue, his private and intelligent messages convinced me that I should at least try again, this was at a time when many of my friends were handing out the "screw your cock back on and shut up" macho style of counselling.
Well intentioned, but lacking an understanding of how this MG had affected my psychology.
Serve me right for plastering it over FB then? Damm right too, it is slightly nauseating this public breast beating and I deserved the quality of advice I got once making myself available as public property.
The second risk........ well I am going to have leave you guessing but it included various attempts upon my life, a fast car and a person I love and respect beyond belief.
Next Chapters exciting episode?
Maybe maybe not.
Over and out (even though that's not how they end a radio transmission)
Thursday, 5 September 2013
20 Focused or Mad........ You the Reader Decide, in our latest exciting issue.
So I commit the cardinal sin, (difficult for an atheist, but God loves a trier)
by starting a sentence with 'so'
Pseudo intellectuals are doing this, on a radio or TV near you right now.
It's a really annoying affectation and once noticed, impossible to ignore or avoid.
My instinct is that people employ it as a way of adding some gravitas to what they are about to say, almost as if you, their listener, are their appreciative audience, awaiting enlightenment.
It started as a particularly West Coast American beardy professor style delivery, where the 'so' had to include a rising inflection, suggesting a question.
It has now spread to every fool, asked any question, on any topic......
So.... what is it with me.... is it that I have finally realised how to enforce boundaries?
Have I started to understand that fools do not have to be suffered?
Is it that at last my mind is finally focused and has learned to clarify when faced with confusion?
or
Am I suffering the effects of my steroid treatment?
The steroids offer the potential for either manic feelings or depression and so far I seem to have escaped lightly.
I have to concede however I have noticed a swelling level of drive and efficiency in me, almost like I am becoming super efficient.
I have been organising planning and filing things. with a drive that is breathtaking and insisting that everyone else conform to my new found structure.
Over the last few weeks my insomnia and levels of drive have escalated to a point where I am feeling almost rocket propelled.
This effect has no apparent downside for me although it may start seeding some of my friends.
I suspect a few friends have been left reeling at my new found levels of directness, I have stopped calling a spade a long handled digging implement...... as it were.
Case #1.
I lent a 3 Disc DVD collection on Innoue to a good friend, this is a Fighting Films £65 boxed set, but he is my friend.
A few months later I ask for and finally get them back.
Days after this I get a call...
"Mark I think you may have one of my DVD's as your 'The Uchi Mata' is in my 'Judo World Championship The Heavyweights' box.
I check...... he is right (perhaps for the last time on this blog).
I have his DVD in my box, and it was returned (by him) in error.
No problem we will swap when we meet, except that the next time we meet, its because he is returning course work to me that I also lent him about 6 months previously.
" I cant find that DVD"
Texts he
"Bollocks"
Thinks I
"Could you have another look at your place" and "are you sure you lent it to me?"
Texts he
"I definitely lent it to you"
Texts I
oh and ....."you lost it you stupid shitbag" thinks I
"Keep your hair on"
Texts he,
Did you get that? he was the one who alerted me to the fact that he had given me his DVD in error, Remember... he only realised this as he found mine, MINE! the one that he was now hinting I had never given him....
So he forgets the back story and then, surprised at my reaction asks me to keep my hair on.
On each of my replies I ended with "see you later" as I was about to go training and was also having a running row with my wife, whilst trying to deal with this.
Not unlike Hitler (I mean the war on two fronts not my temper you fools).
Note to self: give nothing lend nothing that you are not prepared to lose,
or, put more simply,
give nothing worth a shit to people that spend more time taking than giving...
Confronted by my re- telling of this sorry story face to face, he started to promise he would replace it, despite that I explained twice that I didn't need him to.
I had decided that with my life lesson learned I would replace it myself, but he continued to promise that he would (even explaining for reasons that are beyond me, that he had told his wife this and she agreed, so that's all right then).
I finally cracked telling him to "f*cking replace it then and stop saying you are going to"!
Guess what he said?.....
Go on guess.....
Keep your hair on! TWAT
Case #2
On Tuesday I got a voicemail from a local primary school where I teach twoclasses of judo each week.
I had previously been warned that the hall would be out of use in this first week of term.
This message however explained however, that the judo would not be able to restart until further notice as the breakfast club was now using it.
They promised they would be in touch when once they could give me a date to restart.
This is one of my favourite schools, and with two large classes it is also a significant part of my income.
I had already dropped an after school class at another school on Thursdays as a consequence of my helping my ailing freind and mentor Don Werner with Pinewood Judo Club.
With the news still boiling in my head I made a quick call to them to this school.
"How would you like me to reinstate that class but on Thursday mornings as I think I have found you a slot"
"Great"
said they
"Great"
said me
"No rush but when the judo restarts you had better explain to the parents that it will now be only one class and not two"
Said I to the other school.
"Oh what will we do? there are 40 children doing judo!"
I admit to a sense of satisfaction with the effect my news had on the, up until now relaxed
messenger.
"Start a waiting list"
Said I
Whilst it is not there fault, I cannot believe that this situation became apparent on the first day back,
and it is not my fault either. It is about me defending my family income I explained.
They were fairly casual with their approach to my business and this is not an approach I can share with them.
It moved in approx. 10 minutes from me needing them, to them understanding that they needed me.
I now seem to have developed an uncanny and useful knack of cutting straight through the embarrassed middle class footwork, that does no more than obscure unfairness.
Believe me I was Michael Flatley when it came to this offence avoidance footwork, well not anymore..
I am hopeful that the lessons I am learning through my steroid side effects are going to stay with me beyond the point where I come off of them.
Another silver lining thanks MG and better late than never eh?
Mr Direct coming to a town near you soon be straight be very straight....
by starting a sentence with 'so'
Pseudo intellectuals are doing this, on a radio or TV near you right now.
It's a really annoying affectation and once noticed, impossible to ignore or avoid.
My instinct is that people employ it as a way of adding some gravitas to what they are about to say, almost as if you, their listener, are their appreciative audience, awaiting enlightenment.
It started as a particularly West Coast American beardy professor style delivery, where the 'so' had to include a rising inflection, suggesting a question.
It has now spread to every fool, asked any question, on any topic......
So.... what is it with me.... is it that I have finally realised how to enforce boundaries?
Have I started to understand that fools do not have to be suffered?
Is it that at last my mind is finally focused and has learned to clarify when faced with confusion?
or
Am I suffering the effects of my steroid treatment?
The steroids offer the potential for either manic feelings or depression and so far I seem to have escaped lightly.
I have to concede however I have noticed a swelling level of drive and efficiency in me, almost like I am becoming super efficient.
I have been organising planning and filing things. with a drive that is breathtaking and insisting that everyone else conform to my new found structure.
Over the last few weeks my insomnia and levels of drive have escalated to a point where I am feeling almost rocket propelled.
This effect has no apparent downside for me although it may start seeding some of my friends.
I suspect a few friends have been left reeling at my new found levels of directness, I have stopped calling a spade a long handled digging implement...... as it were.
Case #1.
I lent a 3 Disc DVD collection on Innoue to a good friend, this is a Fighting Films £65 boxed set, but he is my friend.
A few months later I ask for and finally get them back.
Days after this I get a call...
"Mark I think you may have one of my DVD's as your 'The Uchi Mata' is in my 'Judo World Championship The Heavyweights' box.
I check...... he is right (perhaps for the last time on this blog).
I have his DVD in my box, and it was returned (by him) in error.
No problem we will swap when we meet, except that the next time we meet, its because he is returning course work to me that I also lent him about 6 months previously.
" I cant find that DVD"
Texts he
"Bollocks"
Thinks I
"Could you have another look at your place" and "are you sure you lent it to me?"
Texts he
"I definitely lent it to you"
Texts I
oh and ....."you lost it you stupid shitbag" thinks I
"Keep your hair on"
Texts he,
Did you get that? he was the one who alerted me to the fact that he had given me his DVD in error, Remember... he only realised this as he found mine, MINE! the one that he was now hinting I had never given him....
So he forgets the back story and then, surprised at my reaction asks me to keep my hair on.
On each of my replies I ended with "see you later" as I was about to go training and was also having a running row with my wife, whilst trying to deal with this.
Not unlike Hitler (I mean the war on two fronts not my temper you fools).
Note to self: give nothing lend nothing that you are not prepared to lose,
or, put more simply,
give nothing worth a shit to people that spend more time taking than giving...
Confronted by my re- telling of this sorry story face to face, he started to promise he would replace it, despite that I explained twice that I didn't need him to.
I had decided that with my life lesson learned I would replace it myself, but he continued to promise that he would (even explaining for reasons that are beyond me, that he had told his wife this and she agreed, so that's all right then).
I finally cracked telling him to "f*cking replace it then and stop saying you are going to"!
Guess what he said?.....
Go on guess.....
Keep your hair on! TWAT
Case #2
On Tuesday I got a voicemail from a local primary school where I teach twoclasses of judo each week.
I had previously been warned that the hall would be out of use in this first week of term.
This message however explained however, that the judo would not be able to restart until further notice as the breakfast club was now using it.
They promised they would be in touch when once they could give me a date to restart.
This is one of my favourite schools, and with two large classes it is also a significant part of my income.
I had already dropped an after school class at another school on Thursdays as a consequence of my helping my ailing freind and mentor Don Werner with Pinewood Judo Club.
With the news still boiling in my head I made a quick call to them to this school.
"How would you like me to reinstate that class but on Thursday mornings as I think I have found you a slot"
"Great"
said they
"Great"
said me
"No rush but when the judo restarts you had better explain to the parents that it will now be only one class and not two"
Said I to the other school.
"Oh what will we do? there are 40 children doing judo!"
I admit to a sense of satisfaction with the effect my news had on the, up until now relaxed
messenger.
"Start a waiting list"
Said I
Whilst it is not there fault, I cannot believe that this situation became apparent on the first day back,
and it is not my fault either. It is about me defending my family income I explained.
They were fairly casual with their approach to my business and this is not an approach I can share with them.
It moved in approx. 10 minutes from me needing them, to them understanding that they needed me.
I now seem to have developed an uncanny and useful knack of cutting straight through the embarrassed middle class footwork, that does no more than obscure unfairness.
Believe me I was Michael Flatley when it came to this offence avoidance footwork, well not anymore..
I am hopeful that the lessons I am learning through my steroid side effects are going to stay with me beyond the point where I come off of them.
Another silver lining thanks MG and better late than never eh?
Mr Direct coming to a town near you soon be straight be very straight....
Thursday, 29 August 2013
Chapter 19 The End of the Beginning?
My Dear blog,
I hope that this fine and sunny Thursday finds you in good spirits?
I am in a slightly euphoric mood (read manically positive), because my reliance on Mestinon the drug that alleviates the symptoms of MG is dwindling fast as the steroids do their job.
On a steroid day I now only seem to need between 2 and 4 tablets and on non steroid days no more than 4.
The maximum dose of 7.5 tablets was a regular dose not long ago and as I take them up to this limit on an 'as needed' basis they remain a good indicator of what level of symptom I am facing.
To help me decide whether the MG had finished my contest career a couple of weeks ago I entered a small competition in Salisbury, entering the masters U90kg section. In retrospect it was an unrealistic test of my
reduced potential as I had not trained for a couple of months I had dropped a lot of weight in a short period and having sweated off the last Kilo in the sauna to make weight at 9am I then had to wait until 4pm to compete. With only 3 fights available in my group I agreed to fight an Under 100kg and an over 100kg competitor. This was ok in pricipal but they made my first fight the fatty open weight person.
I use the term person in a loose fashion scowling bristly tub of lard would be more accurate.
He had very strong and negative Judo with very little in the way of attacking technique.
I should have opened him up with movement and a high tempo but rustiness on my part meant that I attacked with an overly optimistic shoulder throw which he blocked so forcefully I damaged my left elbow.
Unable to grip with my left hand a difficult task became impossible and I lost to a hold down., submitting rather than suffer the indignity of laying under a beached whale. The next fight was against the U100kg fighter* *(note the term fighter not 'player' a term now seemingly adopted by commentators and even coaches in some misguided attempt to make judo feel more like other sports, boxers don't 'play' boxing they do it. Footballers don't 'do' football they play it. while I'm still in brackets FFS please stop calling Judoka or if you like Judo fighters 'athletes', it is a crass dumbing down and plays to the idea that we should broaden its appeal to get more money into it. They presumably think that if they can blur the edges enough it might at some point become as popular as track and field events, it wont by the way. To enjoy judo it is necessary to invest time in understanding it, educating the audience might be a better idea. Failing this I am determined to start a campaign devoted to changing the term 'athlete' where applied to track and field into 'fighters' long jumpers will be known as 'long jump fighters'. There.... perhaps my longest use of brackets ever, now where was I? Nurse..... Nurse...I need help!). and club mate Geoff Torrington within seconds I realised that I was still unable to grip effectivly and with nothing to gain from a protracted battle, I whispered to him that I was about to gift him his 2nd Dan by way of a 'jump'. He threw me with a low Seoi Nage that I underlined with an enormous breakfall. This got a round of applause from the audience and.... to my shame, I wanted to shout at all of them and explain that I had jumped (still the spoilt over competitive child at heart),
any way I didn't
explain....
and he did,
get his remaining 10 points against a higher grade and his second Dan.
So that's all right then?
NO OF COURSE IT ISN'T!
I was so depressed that my competitive judo was at an end that I made the mistake of posting my thoughts on Facebook. This got got so many people telling me to fight on / get a grip / man up etc.
It was as far as I was concerned a decision being forced on me by this disease, after 43 years and with coaching my priority was it really such a bad idea to stop, was it not my business (yes so why put on a public message board then)? The fact is now that I have had chance to digest all of this, I think that there were too many things in the mix for me to be able to make a reasonable decision about post MG competition. So take out the other factors .... train and prepare for the Nationals at my new weight... make the weight before the event not on the day....refuse to fight out of my weight group unless ()crucially) its after my U90kg fights.
Last night at Pinewood Judo Club I felt really alive in a way that is difficult to explain, I think it
was probably that I was, for the first time practicing judo in a 'normal' non diseased way. I honestly couldn't notice any of the weakness or fuzziness that MG brings. This made me feel like I was boosted beyond normal, to a higher level. My long time friend and judo training partner Paul Knight said he could feel no evidence of the disease in me either and said he thought it had "gone away".
It made me realise that, when you have trained for 43 years on a weekly basis with someone, you get to know their body through movement almost as an extension of your own.
My weight reduction (sorry GP your predicted moon face and steroid weight gain is still nowhere to be seen)
has made me more mobile and add that to my normality high and I was on fire in Randori (free sparring).... not literally on fire of course, that would be silly
Watching the Judo World Championships which are being live streamed from Rio has been fantastic over the last few days and.... having flirted with MMA and BJJ (mixed martial arts and Brazilian Jui Jitsu)
the pause forced on me by MG gave me a great chance to step back and consider everything objectively.
Now, tired of acronyms I have returned to my one true love.....
JUDO!
shout it from the mountain tops
JUDO!
spray it on car park walls
JUDO!
tattoo it on your foreheads
So with only three weeks left to the Nationals and one embarrassing performance in Salisbury to put away
watch this space.
Now back to Rio........
I hope that this fine and sunny Thursday finds you in good spirits?
I am in a slightly euphoric mood (read manically positive), because my reliance on Mestinon the drug that alleviates the symptoms of MG is dwindling fast as the steroids do their job.
On a steroid day I now only seem to need between 2 and 4 tablets and on non steroid days no more than 4.
The maximum dose of 7.5 tablets was a regular dose not long ago and as I take them up to this limit on an 'as needed' basis they remain a good indicator of what level of symptom I am facing.
To help me decide whether the MG had finished my contest career a couple of weeks ago I entered a small competition in Salisbury, entering the masters U90kg section. In retrospect it was an unrealistic test of my
reduced potential as I had not trained for a couple of months I had dropped a lot of weight in a short period and having sweated off the last Kilo in the sauna to make weight at 9am I then had to wait until 4pm to compete. With only 3 fights available in my group I agreed to fight an Under 100kg and an over 100kg competitor. This was ok in pricipal but they made my first fight the fatty open weight person.
I use the term person in a loose fashion scowling bristly tub of lard would be more accurate.
He had very strong and negative Judo with very little in the way of attacking technique.
I should have opened him up with movement and a high tempo but rustiness on my part meant that I attacked with an overly optimistic shoulder throw which he blocked so forcefully I damaged my left elbow.
Unable to grip with my left hand a difficult task became impossible and I lost to a hold down., submitting rather than suffer the indignity of laying under a beached whale. The next fight was against the U100kg fighter* *(note the term fighter not 'player' a term now seemingly adopted by commentators and even coaches in some misguided attempt to make judo feel more like other sports, boxers don't 'play' boxing they do it. Footballers don't 'do' football they play it. while I'm still in brackets FFS please stop calling Judoka or if you like Judo fighters 'athletes', it is a crass dumbing down and plays to the idea that we should broaden its appeal to get more money into it. They presumably think that if they can blur the edges enough it might at some point become as popular as track and field events, it wont by the way. To enjoy judo it is necessary to invest time in understanding it, educating the audience might be a better idea. Failing this I am determined to start a campaign devoted to changing the term 'athlete' where applied to track and field into 'fighters' long jumpers will be known as 'long jump fighters'. There.... perhaps my longest use of brackets ever, now where was I? Nurse..... Nurse...I need help!). and club mate Geoff Torrington within seconds I realised that I was still unable to grip effectivly and with nothing to gain from a protracted battle, I whispered to him that I was about to gift him his 2nd Dan by way of a 'jump'. He threw me with a low Seoi Nage that I underlined with an enormous breakfall. This got a round of applause from the audience and.... to my shame, I wanted to shout at all of them and explain that I had jumped (still the spoilt over competitive child at heart),
any way I didn't
explain....
and he did,
get his remaining 10 points against a higher grade and his second Dan.
So that's all right then?
NO OF COURSE IT ISN'T!
I was so depressed that my competitive judo was at an end that I made the mistake of posting my thoughts on Facebook. This got got so many people telling me to fight on / get a grip / man up etc.
It was as far as I was concerned a decision being forced on me by this disease, after 43 years and with coaching my priority was it really such a bad idea to stop, was it not my business (yes so why put on a public message board then)? The fact is now that I have had chance to digest all of this, I think that there were too many things in the mix for me to be able to make a reasonable decision about post MG competition. So take out the other factors .... train and prepare for the Nationals at my new weight... make the weight before the event not on the day....refuse to fight out of my weight group unless ()crucially) its after my U90kg fights.
Last night at Pinewood Judo Club I felt really alive in a way that is difficult to explain, I think it
was probably that I was, for the first time practicing judo in a 'normal' non diseased way. I honestly couldn't notice any of the weakness or fuzziness that MG brings. This made me feel like I was boosted beyond normal, to a higher level. My long time friend and judo training partner Paul Knight said he could feel no evidence of the disease in me either and said he thought it had "gone away".
It made me realise that, when you have trained for 43 years on a weekly basis with someone, you get to know their body through movement almost as an extension of your own.
My weight reduction (sorry GP your predicted moon face and steroid weight gain is still nowhere to be seen)
has made me more mobile and add that to my normality high and I was on fire in Randori (free sparring).... not literally on fire of course, that would be silly
Watching the Judo World Championships which are being live streamed from Rio has been fantastic over the last few days and.... having flirted with MMA and BJJ (mixed martial arts and Brazilian Jui Jitsu)
the pause forced on me by MG gave me a great chance to step back and consider everything objectively.
Now, tired of acronyms I have returned to my one true love.....
JUDO!
shout it from the mountain tops
JUDO!
spray it on car park walls
JUDO!
tattoo it on your foreheads
So with only three weeks left to the Nationals and one embarrassing performance in Salisbury to put away
watch this space.
Now back to Rio........
Wednesday, 14 August 2013
Chapter 18 Three days and counting......
Hello old friend,
Having just checked I realise that I have not been drawn to 'blog' (who thought that name up, it sounds like something that happens in your pants) since August 3rd.
Given that I use it generally as a crutch to relieve myself of frustration... (ooh er, is it me or have I dropped into some 'Carry On Blogging' double entendre fest).
I digress... essentially.... and to cut to the chase........ (without further recourse to brackets)
The last couple of weeks have been unremarkable, (which is remarkable)
bollocks these brackets are like Tourrettes.
My great Neurologist Doctor Armstrong (I feel slightly reticent about my effusive compliments now, as he may read this, but they are staying in, no apologies) has explained that my blood test confirmed what he told me as I walked into his office the first time we met, I have MG, he has well trained eyes, and was never in doubt.
I also heard that my scan indicated no abnormality of my Thymus gland which is a relief.
My ill informed hopes for a Thymectomy (spell check makes that Historectomy, I'll try it if it helps)
were both ill informed and premature, I am improving so quickly there are moments when I forget that I have anything wrong with me. Like last Saturday night at a wedding reception without Mestinon....
I forgot it as I felt so well and the MG came knocking by way of my nasal slurring speech impediment.
It was like a stroll down memory lane for me and got me feeling all nostalgic for the good old days..... NOT
I think most people assumed I was pissed, which was fine and dandy because I didn't really know them well,
I will just decay in their memory as "that bloke with the funny eyes, you know, the pissed one".
I wasn't by the way... I'll have you know!
Steroids have not, as yet, produced the much anticipated balloon face, so I may have to throw away my North Korean General's Uniform (check Chapter 9 and keep up please).
I took the promised weight gain as a challenge from my GP who, when I last saw him, looked almost annoyed that his prediction had not, as yet come to pass....
"oh you will eventually",
he said..
"oh ok"
I said
(f!ck you")
I thought.
So with my weight at a slender 91.6 kg and my deadline of Sunday for U90 kg all is looking good
for my first post MG contest. If it goes ok then I shall enter the Nationals in September and of course jump up and down like a small child shouting with excitement. With limits on my endurance and outright strength, I shall have to make sure my Judo is good and try and win quickly. Sounds easy enough written like that.
See I managed without brackets there (so far, thinks the dear reader) DOH!
I'm just messing about now, I can give up brackets whenever I choose OK......?
I am just a social bracket user, I think the government should legalise them and tax them using the revenue raised to help problem bracket users get clean and put their lives back together.
I'm ashamed to say that having given up smoking a long time back, my childish reaction to my diagnosis
was to light a cigarette.
"OK I tried healthy", went the perverse and twisted logic "look where that got me".
Lets try the debilitating disease with a life threatening habit combo shall we kids?
I quickly realised that an important shift had happened in my consciousness, whilst chasing fitness I had changed the way I saw myself.
This meant that rather than taking up smoking, I felt I was giving something up, relinquishing something fundamental about the way I saw myself. It has been a huge relief to stop again and begin feeling positive
about myself almost immediately.
They stink...and it stinks, people earn millions from killing their customers.. (that stinks).
I'm taking up brackets.
Love love love and a weeny bit of fightyness please
Having just checked I realise that I have not been drawn to 'blog' (who thought that name up, it sounds like something that happens in your pants) since August 3rd.
Given that I use it generally as a crutch to relieve myself of frustration... (ooh er, is it me or have I dropped into some 'Carry On Blogging' double entendre fest).
I digress... essentially.... and to cut to the chase........ (without further recourse to brackets)
The last couple of weeks have been unremarkable, (which is remarkable)
bollocks these brackets are like Tourrettes.
My great Neurologist Doctor Armstrong (I feel slightly reticent about my effusive compliments now, as he may read this, but they are staying in, no apologies) has explained that my blood test confirmed what he told me as I walked into his office the first time we met, I have MG, he has well trained eyes, and was never in doubt.
I also heard that my scan indicated no abnormality of my Thymus gland which is a relief.
My ill informed hopes for a Thymectomy (spell check makes that Historectomy, I'll try it if it helps)
were both ill informed and premature, I am improving so quickly there are moments when I forget that I have anything wrong with me. Like last Saturday night at a wedding reception without Mestinon....
I forgot it as I felt so well and the MG came knocking by way of my nasal slurring speech impediment.
It was like a stroll down memory lane for me and got me feeling all nostalgic for the good old days..... NOT
I think most people assumed I was pissed, which was fine and dandy because I didn't really know them well,
I will just decay in their memory as "that bloke with the funny eyes, you know, the pissed one".
I wasn't by the way... I'll have you know!
Steroids have not, as yet, produced the much anticipated balloon face, so I may have to throw away my North Korean General's Uniform (check Chapter 9 and keep up please).
I took the promised weight gain as a challenge from my GP who, when I last saw him, looked almost annoyed that his prediction had not, as yet come to pass....
"oh you will eventually",
he said..
"oh ok"
I said
(f!ck you")
I thought.
So with my weight at a slender 91.6 kg and my deadline of Sunday for U90 kg all is looking good
for my first post MG contest. If it goes ok then I shall enter the Nationals in September and of course jump up and down like a small child shouting with excitement. With limits on my endurance and outright strength, I shall have to make sure my Judo is good and try and win quickly. Sounds easy enough written like that.
See I managed without brackets there (so far, thinks the dear reader) DOH!
I'm just messing about now, I can give up brackets whenever I choose OK......?
I am just a social bracket user, I think the government should legalise them and tax them using the revenue raised to help problem bracket users get clean and put their lives back together.
I'm ashamed to say that having given up smoking a long time back, my childish reaction to my diagnosis
was to light a cigarette.
"OK I tried healthy", went the perverse and twisted logic "look where that got me".
Lets try the debilitating disease with a life threatening habit combo shall we kids?
I quickly realised that an important shift had happened in my consciousness, whilst chasing fitness I had changed the way I saw myself.
This meant that rather than taking up smoking, I felt I was giving something up, relinquishing something fundamental about the way I saw myself. It has been a huge relief to stop again and begin feeling positive
about myself almost immediately.
They stink...and it stinks, people earn millions from killing their customers.. (that stinks).
I'm taking up brackets.
Love love love and a weeny bit of fightyness please
Saturday, 3 August 2013
Chapter 17 Steady as she goes....
Dr Jigoro Kano the person who devised Judo wrote "At the Kodokan we study and practice techniques with the purpose of using mental and physical energy most effectively in order to achieve one's goals no matter what the endeavor, which is the basic principal of judo."
What a smart man....
Despite 43 years doing judo and now 4 years teaching it full time it took MG to force me to use a judo approach to my life.
For some people age or disability forces them to consider physical tasks in a different way.
I have been getting stronger on an almost daily basis now for about a week, and whilst this could be a false dawn it is encouraging.
My strength and endurance is still a long way from where it was and probably always will be, but my new way of approaching things is just so much more efficient.
I have just unloaded and carried my judo mats from my van to the shed, BMG (before MG) this would have been a frantic 10 at a time crashing of the walls sweating and swearing event, completed in maybe 15 minutes,
AMG (after MG) It was a 5 at a time serene stroll leaving me space to think.
I took the time to carefully re-arrange the shed, nothing got in my way or fell over whilst I placed the mats, I even found time to carry a few zeppelin sized bumble bees out of the shed first.
Start to finish maybe 20 minutes, no sweat, no swearing....
Happy days thanks Jigoro and sorry I didn't listen.
I have to carry this efficiency into my thinking and everyday life which was always Dr Kano's bigger idea, he never considered that Judo was just another fighting art it was always intended to be so much more.
The 'Do' in judo in fact means way and the 'Ju' translates as efficient NOT gentle which is a common mistranslation..
My mum has understood this principal for years, forced by her arthritis to take things steadily,
I am reminded that, just prior to my diagnosis, I joined her in trying to clear moss from the terrace in her garden.
She was using a stick with a pointed piece of metal to dislodge one tiny lump at a time.
I suggested that the whole job could be done so much faster with my jet washer (and it could Mum).
She refused explaining that this would cause too much mess and wash the moss onto the garden (and it would Mark).
At the time, standing there with a stiff broom and joining her, in what seemed like a ridiculous waste of time I was angry at what seemed like her inability to understand.
I am now reminded that it was me that didn't understand.
Didn't understand that there was no time limit,
Didn't understand that this was a great opportunity to work together
on something and talk.
Great judo mum.
My Sensei and long time friend is suffering from a serious illness and has asked me to cover his junior sessions in his abscence at Pinewood Judo Club.
It is a great honour to have his trust and I feel the weight of responsibilty for what is so dear to him.
It has been a challenge to fit this alongside all of my other responsibilities (judo and otherwise) but
I think I have made a reasonable job so far, with a self awarded 8 out of 10 last week and a slightly disappointing 5 out of 10 this week.
Sadly some children have left the club to train elsewhere before my Sensei's illness was diagnosed.
This initially angered me but in this, as everything else I have to think more in a more judo way.
I cannot help those that have exercised their free will to move elsewhere.
I should not judge them, I cannot see from their point of view.
I should not harbor resentment as this is self destructive.
I can concentrate all of my efforts in helping those that have shown respect and loyalty.
I can work hard to be a great coach.
I can make use all of the great judo talent available around the club.
Aaaaaand We can kick their arses somewhere when we meet them at a competition!
Did you think I had gone all hippy Zen on you again?
Peace baby but just a bit of fighting here and there please.
Despite 43 years doing judo and now 4 years teaching it full time it took MG to force me to use a judo approach to my life.
For some people age or disability forces them to consider physical tasks in a different way.
I have been getting stronger on an almost daily basis now for about a week, and whilst this could be a false dawn it is encouraging.
My strength and endurance is still a long way from where it was and probably always will be, but my new way of approaching things is just so much more efficient.
I have just unloaded and carried my judo mats from my van to the shed, BMG (before MG) this would have been a frantic 10 at a time crashing of the walls sweating and swearing event, completed in maybe 15 minutes,
AMG (after MG) It was a 5 at a time serene stroll leaving me space to think.
I took the time to carefully re-arrange the shed, nothing got in my way or fell over whilst I placed the mats, I even found time to carry a few zeppelin sized bumble bees out of the shed first.
Start to finish maybe 20 minutes, no sweat, no swearing....
Happy days thanks Jigoro and sorry I didn't listen.
I have to carry this efficiency into my thinking and everyday life which was always Dr Kano's bigger idea, he never considered that Judo was just another fighting art it was always intended to be so much more.
The 'Do' in judo in fact means way and the 'Ju' translates as efficient NOT gentle which is a common mistranslation..
My mum has understood this principal for years, forced by her arthritis to take things steadily,
I am reminded that, just prior to my diagnosis, I joined her in trying to clear moss from the terrace in her garden.
She was using a stick with a pointed piece of metal to dislodge one tiny lump at a time.
I suggested that the whole job could be done so much faster with my jet washer (and it could Mum).
She refused explaining that this would cause too much mess and wash the moss onto the garden (and it would Mark).
At the time, standing there with a stiff broom and joining her, in what seemed like a ridiculous waste of time I was angry at what seemed like her inability to understand.
I am now reminded that it was me that didn't understand.
Didn't understand that there was no time limit,
Didn't understand that this was a great opportunity to work together
on something and talk.
Great judo mum.
My Sensei and long time friend is suffering from a serious illness and has asked me to cover his junior sessions in his abscence at Pinewood Judo Club.
It is a great honour to have his trust and I feel the weight of responsibilty for what is so dear to him.
It has been a challenge to fit this alongside all of my other responsibilities (judo and otherwise) but
I think I have made a reasonable job so far, with a self awarded 8 out of 10 last week and a slightly disappointing 5 out of 10 this week.
Sadly some children have left the club to train elsewhere before my Sensei's illness was diagnosed.
This initially angered me but in this, as everything else I have to think more in a more judo way.
I cannot help those that have exercised their free will to move elsewhere.
I should not judge them, I cannot see from their point of view.
I should not harbor resentment as this is self destructive.
I can concentrate all of my efforts in helping those that have shown respect and loyalty.
I can work hard to be a great coach.
I can make use all of the great judo talent available around the club.
Aaaaaand We can kick their arses somewhere when we meet them at a competition!
Did you think I had gone all hippy Zen on you again?
Peace baby but just a bit of fighting here and there please.
Friday, 26 July 2013
Chapter 16 already. (In the accent of an east end Jewish ragtrader)
So try and get your prescription from the NHS whydontcha!
Feeling smug and organised for once,
I proudly handed over my carefully prepared request for a prescription and was congratulated on the
help I had given them.
I detailed each of the 6 drugs I take, and hear it is, as presented.....
Current Drug Treatment
The more observant of you will have noted that I ran out of Omeprazole on Wednesday, having visited yesterday and phoned today its now 'just' awaiting a signature.....
oh cool..... that's a relief I was thinking it might be delayed!!
What might have happened if I had just phoned them. (rhetorical question deserving no question mark).
My GP called last night me to discuss the dosage of Prednisolone steroid and Mistinon prescribed by my Neurologist.
I'm not sure what he thought I could bring to the debate,
but he clearly seemed to think that, the steroid in particular, was a high dose.
"At that dose you will certainly need regular blood tests" said he.
"Oh ok" said me....
(thinking that shouldn't take more than a couple of months to arrange then).
I didn't prescribe this stuff,
I didn't decide the dose,
My job and correct me if I'm wrong, is to try and swallow it.
This in itself is no easy task on some mornings.
At around £30 every time I need these prescriptions perhaps this protracted process is intended
to convince me of their value.
I feel aggrieved, mightily aggrieved!
Start a blog shout at the world like a child go on, go on, you know you should.
On a lighter note, and whatever the GP might think,
(G as in General, non specific, lacking the detailed understanding of a specialist, P as in practitioner, someone engaged in the regular practice of something esp medicine, well if he keeps practicing I'm sure he will get it eventually)
I believe the Neurologist has it right because the improvement is steady and on the days that I take steroids I feel absolutely normal.
I covered the intermediate and advanced sessions at Pinewood Judo Club last night a 4 hour haul and with no problems at all.
This weekend, on both Saturday and Sunday, I shall be coaching for our esteemed leader at a competition in Swindon followed by a judo camp I am running on Monday Tuesday and Wednesday next week!
Fortunately I will be able to lean on my fellow coaches Olly and Lynn on the judo camp.
If the drugs run out I might need to!
ps I'm bored
Feeling smug and organised for once,
I proudly handed over my carefully prepared request for a prescription and was congratulated on the
help I had given them.
I detailed each of the 6 drugs I take, and hear it is, as presented.....
Current Drug Treatment
Daily 20mg Omeprazole
3000mg Adcal
450mg Mestinon (Pyridostigme)
Alternate days
90mg Prednisolone
Remaining on 22/07/2013
60mg Omeprazole (3 days)
18000mg Adcal (6 days)
6789mg Mestinon (15 days)
545mg Prednisolone (12 days incl. ‘off’ days)The more observant of you will have noted that I ran out of Omeprazole on Wednesday, having visited yesterday and phoned today its now 'just' awaiting a signature.....
oh cool..... that's a relief I was thinking it might be delayed!!
What might have happened if I had just phoned them. (rhetorical question deserving no question mark).
My GP called last night me to discuss the dosage of Prednisolone steroid and Mistinon prescribed by my Neurologist.
I'm not sure what he thought I could bring to the debate,
but he clearly seemed to think that, the steroid in particular, was a high dose.
"At that dose you will certainly need regular blood tests" said he.
"Oh ok" said me....
(thinking that shouldn't take more than a couple of months to arrange then).
I didn't prescribe this stuff,
I didn't decide the dose,
My job and correct me if I'm wrong, is to try and swallow it.
This in itself is no easy task on some mornings.
At around £30 every time I need these prescriptions perhaps this protracted process is intended
to convince me of their value.
I feel aggrieved, mightily aggrieved!
Start a blog shout at the world like a child go on, go on, you know you should.
On a lighter note, and whatever the GP might think,
(G as in General, non specific, lacking the detailed understanding of a specialist, P as in practitioner, someone engaged in the regular practice of something esp medicine, well if he keeps practicing I'm sure he will get it eventually)
I believe the Neurologist has it right because the improvement is steady and on the days that I take steroids I feel absolutely normal.
I covered the intermediate and advanced sessions at Pinewood Judo Club last night a 4 hour haul and with no problems at all.
This weekend, on both Saturday and Sunday, I shall be coaching for our esteemed leader at a competition in Swindon followed by a judo camp I am running on Monday Tuesday and Wednesday next week!
Fortunately I will be able to lean on my fellow coaches Olly and Lynn on the judo camp.
If the drugs run out I might need to!
ps I'm bored
Sunday, 21 July 2013
chapter 15 no jokes here
This was saved as a draft yesterday on my phone and sums up how things can feel at the low points,
Laying on my bed recovering from an hour of what was meant to be a social with Geoff Torrington. poor Geoff hanging on every distorted syllable that I managed to drag from my diseased mouth.
Did I say felt was surfing in front of this tidal wave of symptoms? Well guess what I just got hit by the tidal wave. my right arm and hand are weakened as are my legs. trying to explain this to an old friend in the pub just now with my speech so badly affected left me depressed and him confused. where does this stop?
It is certainly giving me a kicking at the moment, I have never felt so fu*king tired and old. why the *?....... just say it shall we.... FUCKING... there you all know what meant anyway!
One hour to my CT scan so now to sleep perchance to dream
Now 12 hours later all much chirpier and fairly symptom free.
I had my scan and I am hoping that I might be considered for a Thymectomy (removal of my Thymus gland).
I seem to satisfy the criteria as this is a reasonably developed case of mg, I am healthy and under 60 years old.
Whilst I have read that this is not a cure, it does offer the possibility of reduced symptoms and drug therapy.
Although a serious operation, particularly if they go for complete removal (by opening at my sternum), with a long recovery time, I would be prepared to take the risk versus benefit gamble.
I surveyed the last part of my friend's pub yesterday in order to complete my first post mg drawing.
It feels strange to be drawing again after all that has happened and although I am slower at both measuring and drawing I can still do it.
So a small victory.
A small victory is not I am hoping for later today, when I go to see my friend 'Duggy' AKA Mark Douglas box someones lips off in Milton Keynes.
He is one seriously focused fighter who has recovered well from a dislocated shoulder suffered a couple of years ago during a fight at York Hall. He boxed on for a few minutes and continued to use his dislocated shoulder to punch!
This is his 3rd Pro comeback fight and all is looking good for him.
I wonder what draws me to martial arts (and yes boxing is a fine martial art), I think it is that life has become so sanitised, controlled and lacking in drama, that MMA Boxing Brazilian Jui Jitsu and of course Judo offer the kind of visceral excitement missing from daily existence.
There is a chance to really understand yourself at a fundamental level when you are tested in these circumstances and my stumbling return to practicing judo last Wednesday was, I hope my first step back to an eventual return to competition.
C'mon you steroids.......... (picks up an England flag and bare chested, with arms splayed begins throwing plastic chairs up a high street somewhere in Belgium)
Go Duggie go DUGGIE, DO IM SON......DO IM!
Zen Buddhism anyone?
Laying on my bed recovering from an hour of what was meant to be a social with Geoff Torrington. poor Geoff hanging on every distorted syllable that I managed to drag from my diseased mouth.
Did I say felt was surfing in front of this tidal wave of symptoms? Well guess what I just got hit by the tidal wave. my right arm and hand are weakened as are my legs. trying to explain this to an old friend in the pub just now with my speech so badly affected left me depressed and him confused. where does this stop?
It is certainly giving me a kicking at the moment, I have never felt so fu*king tired and old. why the *?....... just say it shall we.... FUCKING... there you all know what meant anyway!
One hour to my CT scan so now to sleep perchance to dream
Now 12 hours later all much chirpier and fairly symptom free.
I had my scan and I am hoping that I might be considered for a Thymectomy (removal of my Thymus gland).
I seem to satisfy the criteria as this is a reasonably developed case of mg, I am healthy and under 60 years old.
Whilst I have read that this is not a cure, it does offer the possibility of reduced symptoms and drug therapy.
Although a serious operation, particularly if they go for complete removal (by opening at my sternum), with a long recovery time, I would be prepared to take the risk versus benefit gamble.
I surveyed the last part of my friend's pub yesterday in order to complete my first post mg drawing.
It feels strange to be drawing again after all that has happened and although I am slower at both measuring and drawing I can still do it.
So a small victory.
A small victory is not I am hoping for later today, when I go to see my friend 'Duggy' AKA Mark Douglas box someones lips off in Milton Keynes.
He is one seriously focused fighter who has recovered well from a dislocated shoulder suffered a couple of years ago during a fight at York Hall. He boxed on for a few minutes and continued to use his dislocated shoulder to punch!
This is his 3rd Pro comeback fight and all is looking good for him.
I wonder what draws me to martial arts (and yes boxing is a fine martial art), I think it is that life has become so sanitised, controlled and lacking in drama, that MMA Boxing Brazilian Jui Jitsu and of course Judo offer the kind of visceral excitement missing from daily existence.
There is a chance to really understand yourself at a fundamental level when you are tested in these circumstances and my stumbling return to practicing judo last Wednesday was, I hope my first step back to an eventual return to competition.
C'mon you steroids.......... (picks up an England flag and bare chested, with arms splayed begins throwing plastic chairs up a high street somewhere in Belgium)
Go Duggie go DUGGIE, DO IM SON......DO IM!
Zen Buddhism anyone?
Friday, 19 July 2013
Chapter 14 All quiet on the Denton Front
Hello old friend,
I should now be driving to my bank in Reading in order to pay in the pitiful pile of cheques I have,
but I got the urge and the urge cannot be ignored so here I am blogging instead.... oh how young hip and trendy have I become with 'me bloggin' an 'me tweetin' .
In all, the gap between Chapter 13 and 14, could best be described as variable,
this admittedly sounds more like a weather forecast than a life, but it pretty much sums it up.
On the plus side, I have continued my fasting diet which is fantastic and has reduced my weight to 92 kg from
98 kg in two weeks. It is a good feeling to be in control of at least this part of my body!
I also managed my first judo session last Wednesday and whilst I was clearly a lot weaker in my arms and legs (yes it has arrived there now) my judo was as good as before (namely crap! .....only joshing Mrs Viv I'm really good at Judo.... did I tell you about the time...blah....blah). Here is me looking splendid as I win the London Open almost exactly a year ago....
With reduced strength and weight I was forced to move more efficiently, using my opponents movement to set up my attacks. This will be familiar to those of you who practice, I was forced to do better judo!
Only in judo could a loss of strength result in a potentially better performance,
lucky I am not a weight lifter eh?
You at the back I hope your taking notes there will be questions at the end
SO CONCENTRATE!
My friend, (and I hope by now) yours, Doctor Armstrong saw me on Monday.
This was despite the best efforts of the system which had booked my appointment for 2014.... I walked in at midday and apologised for being early, unaware that I was actually 1 year and half an hour early!
He seems to disdain the structures around him and bureaucracy in the way that I love to, walking out into reception and inviting me in like an old friend, despite me not having an appointment.
His upbeat assessment of my progress to date filled me with optimism, he after all is the one with 'trained eyes'.
He suggested that my steroid treatment might end as soon as 6 months from now rather than the possible 18 months that he had warned me may be the case.
I am definitely feeling better on the days when I take my steroid doses which is a sign that they are working, although the strange tiredness has now reached my arms and in particular my right shoulder (my hand is struggling with the effort of typing this). I feel like it wanders around my body like a naughty child picking it's targets... first left eye then right, sometimes mouth.... occasionally breathing...... seems to be quite strong in his arms mmmmm.... take that shitbag not so strong now eh?
Well you know what?
I'm not the shitbag in this, dear mg (no proper noun capitals for you) YOU ARE!
You may gain the odd victory but I will beat you.
I gave a judo demonstration at a lovely local school fete last Sunday and the mg did it's level best to make it's dark mischief......
After the disease has caused the bottom to fall out of your world, the drug treatment allows for the possibility
of the world falling out of your bottom......
Not a symptom I had suffered until (you guessed) Sunday!
Horror of horrors, it was a baking hot, sun seared and dusty afternoon, I was on the cusp of my speech impediment and with no microphone available, I was forced to shout at a crowd of confused adults as my fantastic little warriors gave their best.......
I had already discussed the awful possibilities of this situation with my son George earlier in the day....
Imagine the scene.... as I give a brief introduction to the history of Judo.... "In 1878 an, educationist Dr Kano...... blah.....devised a system of self defence and...... blahh blahhh.... meaning that today judo is enjoyed by children all over the world", ripple of applause......tttttthhhhbbbbbbbshhhhrrrrrrpppp sppplaaaat ttthrbbb (at this point my spotless judo trousers begin to grow what appears to be a small brown map of Gibralta.....
No wait! it's growing.... it's not Gibralta it's Africa!.... what is that horrid smell?
I fall forward face first into the mat finally silenced as the audience scatters, children are clutched to their mother's chests as they run.... don't look Timmy the poor judo man is having an 'accident'.
It didn't happen of course but it was a close run thing and fortunately it appears to have been a one off
(until the next time sniggers mg in the background).
Scan tomorrow as the CT Scanner broke down on Tuesday,
To Infinity and (down a bit up a lot) Beyond!
I should now be driving to my bank in Reading in order to pay in the pitiful pile of cheques I have,
but I got the urge and the urge cannot be ignored so here I am blogging instead.... oh how young hip and trendy have I become with 'me bloggin' an 'me tweetin' .
In all, the gap between Chapter 13 and 14, could best be described as variable,
this admittedly sounds more like a weather forecast than a life, but it pretty much sums it up.
On the plus side, I have continued my fasting diet which is fantastic and has reduced my weight to 92 kg from
98 kg in two weeks. It is a good feeling to be in control of at least this part of my body!
I also managed my first judo session last Wednesday and whilst I was clearly a lot weaker in my arms and legs (yes it has arrived there now) my judo was as good as before (namely crap! .....only joshing Mrs Viv I'm really good at Judo.... did I tell you about the time...blah....blah). Here is me looking splendid as I win the London Open almost exactly a year ago....
With reduced strength and weight I was forced to move more efficiently, using my opponents movement to set up my attacks. This will be familiar to those of you who practice, I was forced to do better judo!
Only in judo could a loss of strength result in a potentially better performance,
lucky I am not a weight lifter eh?
You at the back I hope your taking notes there will be questions at the end
SO CONCENTRATE!
My friend, (and I hope by now) yours, Doctor Armstrong saw me on Monday.
This was despite the best efforts of the system which had booked my appointment for 2014.... I walked in at midday and apologised for being early, unaware that I was actually 1 year and half an hour early!
He seems to disdain the structures around him and bureaucracy in the way that I love to, walking out into reception and inviting me in like an old friend, despite me not having an appointment.
His upbeat assessment of my progress to date filled me with optimism, he after all is the one with 'trained eyes'.
He suggested that my steroid treatment might end as soon as 6 months from now rather than the possible 18 months that he had warned me may be the case.
I am definitely feeling better on the days when I take my steroid doses which is a sign that they are working, although the strange tiredness has now reached my arms and in particular my right shoulder (my hand is struggling with the effort of typing this). I feel like it wanders around my body like a naughty child picking it's targets... first left eye then right, sometimes mouth.... occasionally breathing...... seems to be quite strong in his arms mmmmm.... take that shitbag not so strong now eh?
Well you know what?
I'm not the shitbag in this, dear mg (no proper noun capitals for you) YOU ARE!
You may gain the odd victory but I will beat you.
I gave a judo demonstration at a lovely local school fete last Sunday and the mg did it's level best to make it's dark mischief......
After the disease has caused the bottom to fall out of your world, the drug treatment allows for the possibility
of the world falling out of your bottom......
Not a symptom I had suffered until (you guessed) Sunday!
Horror of horrors, it was a baking hot, sun seared and dusty afternoon, I was on the cusp of my speech impediment and with no microphone available, I was forced to shout at a crowd of confused adults as my fantastic little warriors gave their best.......
I had already discussed the awful possibilities of this situation with my son George earlier in the day....
Imagine the scene.... as I give a brief introduction to the history of Judo.... "In 1878 an, educationist Dr Kano...... blah.....devised a system of self defence and...... blahh blahhh.... meaning that today judo is enjoyed by children all over the world", ripple of applause......tttttthhhhbbbbbbbshhhhrrrrrrpppp sppplaaaat ttthrbbb (at this point my spotless judo trousers begin to grow what appears to be a small brown map of Gibralta.....
No wait! it's growing.... it's not Gibralta it's Africa!.... what is that horrid smell?
I fall forward face first into the mat finally silenced as the audience scatters, children are clutched to their mother's chests as they run.... don't look Timmy the poor judo man is having an 'accident'.
It didn't happen of course but it was a close run thing and fortunately it appears to have been a one off
(until the next time sniggers mg in the background).
Scan tomorrow as the CT Scanner broke down on Tuesday,
To Infinity and (down a bit up a lot) Beyond!
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
Chapter 13 Lucky for some
This blog is like a friend to me, just as my lovely Yasmin want's to explain everything to her 'Mouse', I feel the need to explain everything to my 'Blog'.
She is nearly 3 and I am 55 however....
So blog what drags me to you on a beautiful sunny Tuesday morning?
Well you see it's like this.....(sits back and pauses for dramatic effect).....
I decided to read Zeynep's book about fasting and was persuaded to try this for myself.
It recommends a diet that allows for 5 days regular eating, with 2 (non consecutive) days that include a 12 hour fast. My dad was a great advocate for his own, once a week fast, claiming it made him feel much better generally.
This book proposes that potentially great benefits can be gained from fasting, beyond the obvious one of weight loss and control.
The author started his 2 day fast / 5 day eating plan with a fairly radical 4 day fast. This followed various tests on his blood etc. and physical measurements.
It was also supervised carefully by a doctor.
Without this safety net and, given that I am currently on treatment for MG, I have decided a cautious 2 day fast, before I start the 2 day 5 day routine.
I am well into my second day and I am feeling great, not hungry but very alert and sharp.
Today was one of my steroid days and the ramped dose today reached 40mg, Doctor Armstrong suggested that I would recognise the point when the steroid treatment started to take effect as I would feel better on the days when I took the dose. It seems early for this to be the case as he suggested this might be 6 weeks in but I feel so much better so is it the fast or is it the drugs?
Well Sherlock who gives a shit! The fact is I am feeling so much better, better than I have since this was diagnosed!!
Being me and still stinging from my pathetic attempt at Kettlebells on Sunday I have just finished a light practice set with a single 16kg kettlebell and...... FANTASTIC I feel normal!!!
No asthma, good fresh sweat rolling down my back, life is good. So dear u100kg division don't start counting your chickens because I'm still here and I think,
I will be coming for you soon...............
She is nearly 3 and I am 55 however....
So blog what drags me to you on a beautiful sunny Tuesday morning?
Well you see it's like this.....(sits back and pauses for dramatic effect).....
I decided to read Zeynep's book about fasting and was persuaded to try this for myself.
It recommends a diet that allows for 5 days regular eating, with 2 (non consecutive) days that include a 12 hour fast. My dad was a great advocate for his own, once a week fast, claiming it made him feel much better generally.
This book proposes that potentially great benefits can be gained from fasting, beyond the obvious one of weight loss and control.
The author started his 2 day fast / 5 day eating plan with a fairly radical 4 day fast. This followed various tests on his blood etc. and physical measurements.
It was also supervised carefully by a doctor.
Without this safety net and, given that I am currently on treatment for MG, I have decided a cautious 2 day fast, before I start the 2 day 5 day routine.
I am well into my second day and I am feeling great, not hungry but very alert and sharp.
Today was one of my steroid days and the ramped dose today reached 40mg, Doctor Armstrong suggested that I would recognise the point when the steroid treatment started to take effect as I would feel better on the days when I took the dose. It seems early for this to be the case as he suggested this might be 6 weeks in but I feel so much better so is it the fast or is it the drugs?
Well Sherlock who gives a shit! The fact is I am feeling so much better, better than I have since this was diagnosed!!
Being me and still stinging from my pathetic attempt at Kettlebells on Sunday I have just finished a light practice set with a single 16kg kettlebell and...... FANTASTIC I feel normal!!!
No asthma, good fresh sweat rolling down my back, life is good. So dear u100kg division don't start counting your chickens because I'm still here and I think,
I will be coming for you soon...............
Monday, 8 July 2013
Chapter 12 The Return of Chirpy Chops
If you read this apologies for Chapter 11, a self centred, spoilt child little missive that was!
I'm feeling happier about a 15 minute careful jog than I could have previously imagined.
The breathing difficulty I experienced yesterday morning when I attempted a light kettlebell session, returned briefly and playing it safe I walked for a couple of minutes.
I was able to consider and explore the problem in a calm way and I am fairly sure that it is an asthmatic reaction to one of the drugs I am taking.
As a child I suffered a couple of mild asthma attacks and this feels identical it passes quickly and keeping calm helps.
I shall ask Doctor Armstrong next Monday and see what he advises.
As I sit here I can smell sweat....... and........* can you smell that?...it smells like ...(pauses for dramatic effect)
VICTORY!"
or at least a few slow steps in that direction.
*Check 'Apocalypse Now' for dialogue homage.
Chin chin.
I'm feeling happier about a 15 minute careful jog than I could have previously imagined.
The breathing difficulty I experienced yesterday morning when I attempted a light kettlebell session, returned briefly and playing it safe I walked for a couple of minutes.
I was able to consider and explore the problem in a calm way and I am fairly sure that it is an asthmatic reaction to one of the drugs I am taking.
As a child I suffered a couple of mild asthma attacks and this feels identical it passes quickly and keeping calm helps.
I shall ask Doctor Armstrong next Monday and see what he advises.
As I sit here I can smell sweat....... and........* can you smell that?...it smells like ...(pauses for dramatic effect)
VICTORY!"
or at least a few slow steps in that direction.
*Check 'Apocalypse Now' for dialogue homage.
Chin chin.
Sunday, 7 July 2013
No more hippy shit I promise Chapter 11
So blog did you miss me?
Did you sulk like a child in the corner while I got in with things?
Seems I only need you when things are going badly eh?
Despite some breathing difficulties on Thursday night, which was something I attributed to an adverse reaction to a hayfever tablet (go on me mush grasp that straw), everything had been moving along nicely.
Reaching the end of my first week of steroids, the Pyridostigmine was also working it's magic and keeping the symptoms at bay, although at times it feels like I am surfing in front of a tidal wave.
It's a sunny Sunday morning and it would be difficult to imagine a more promising look to the day.
After a really enjoyable day yesterday with Olly April and Mike (watching Ben Howard and Munford and Sons). We returned at around 1am this morning I was feeling so optimistic about things, having spent a day in hot sunshine (MG says avoid hot temperatures), with no chance of a kip (MG says take regular rest), massive queues for toilets (MG says not only will the bottom fall out of your world, a possible side effect of the treatment can leave you with the world falling out of your bottom).
So in summary I had drunk beer danced about and failed to shit myself wooohoo.....up yours MG!
As if this was not enough, a long fast walk from the venue to the station last night had felt so good.
It was enough to raise a light sweat and as close to training as I have been in 2 weeks, so I was excitedly planning my gentle return to Kettlebells with an early morning easy session today.
Dragging out one (no point in going straight back to doubles) 16kg (no point in trying 24kg yet) I started some relaxed single handed swings to warm up.
The boulder on my chest feeling I have experienced previously returned almost immediately making any further effort impossible and leaving me as plain depressed as I have felt since this SHIT started.
I was promised that I could expect these miserable feelings as a side effect of steroids, so it is difficult to know how much of this is chemical and how much a consequence of having my training reduced to brisk f*cking walking!!
I am trying hard to see this in relative terms..... the "could be worse at least I've got legs"
or "at least it's not MS or Muscular Dys-trophy" but frankly it's not working.
So lets apply that relative view from the other end shall we?
If you are a lazy fat sofa accoutrement, bemoaning the size of your butt and gut...... get up and get on with it you have no idea how lucky you are to have the option.
There that's better, I should write this stuff down.......
Did you sulk like a child in the corner while I got in with things?
Seems I only need you when things are going badly eh?
Despite some breathing difficulties on Thursday night, which was something I attributed to an adverse reaction to a hayfever tablet (go on me mush grasp that straw), everything had been moving along nicely.
Reaching the end of my first week of steroids, the Pyridostigmine was also working it's magic and keeping the symptoms at bay, although at times it feels like I am surfing in front of a tidal wave.
It's a sunny Sunday morning and it would be difficult to imagine a more promising look to the day.
After a really enjoyable day yesterday with Olly April and Mike (watching Ben Howard and Munford and Sons). We returned at around 1am this morning I was feeling so optimistic about things, having spent a day in hot sunshine (MG says avoid hot temperatures), with no chance of a kip (MG says take regular rest), massive queues for toilets (MG says not only will the bottom fall out of your world, a possible side effect of the treatment can leave you with the world falling out of your bottom).
So in summary I had drunk beer danced about and failed to shit myself wooohoo.....up yours MG!
As if this was not enough, a long fast walk from the venue to the station last night had felt so good.
It was enough to raise a light sweat and as close to training as I have been in 2 weeks, so I was excitedly planning my gentle return to Kettlebells with an early morning easy session today.
Dragging out one (no point in going straight back to doubles) 16kg (no point in trying 24kg yet) I started some relaxed single handed swings to warm up.
The boulder on my chest feeling I have experienced previously returned almost immediately making any further effort impossible and leaving me as plain depressed as I have felt since this SHIT started.
I was promised that I could expect these miserable feelings as a side effect of steroids, so it is difficult to know how much of this is chemical and how much a consequence of having my training reduced to brisk f*cking walking!!
I am trying hard to see this in relative terms..... the "could be worse at least I've got legs"
or "at least it's not MS or Muscular Dys-trophy" but frankly it's not working.
So lets apply that relative view from the other end shall we?
If you are a lazy fat sofa accoutrement, bemoaning the size of your butt and gut...... get up and get on with it you have no idea how lucky you are to have the option.
There that's better, I should write this stuff down.......
Sunday, 30 June 2013
Chapter 10 Off Topic and so Sensei tive
The Buttercup
As grasses trace a breeze across the meadow
With transient beauty, a buttercup nods approval
Shall we mourn its passing?
…….Or remember its radiant impermanence
No person built a heaven for this flower
No person imprisoned it, with their false expectations
……Or exaltations
Not born in the image of a vain glorious creator
No dusty texts foretelling its arrival,
…….Or departure
So should we love it less?
…….Or more?
Saturday, 29 June 2013
Chapter 9 Base Camp
Having got through my first day back teaching, and delivered two good lessons I am feeling very happy with myself and the world.
I met with the inestimable Doctor Armstrong again on Thursday and received my steroids.
This is the treatment to tackle the condition at a fundamental level, rather than deal with the symptoms.
I am taking the steroids on alternate days and my dose is ramped up from an initial 10mg (2 pills) to a hefty 60mg (12pills) these together with drugs that deal with the side effects mean I shall soon be using a wheelbarrow to visit the pharmacy! This together with my predicted steroid 'moon' face should present an unusual sight.
I'm trying to consider a 'look' that will compliment my moon face, perhaps the final days of Elvis?
Some satin flares and heavy on the sparkles. Or Kim Jong -un (north Korean leader keep up) he carries a moon face with style and panache and is also more 'now'.
Yes that's it! SOLD to the man in the grey buttoned up jacket.
Is it just me or is he really a Pikey?
Thank providence (I have already covered God) I live in a developed Western Country, with what we all consider our birthright and frequently criticize the NHS!
The marvelous Doctor Armstrong refuses compliments in a classically English way "any neurologist would have done the same thing" etc. The fact remains I am inordinately grateful to this one, because any neurologist didn't help me this one did. I have to spare his blushes now however as I have given him a link to this blog and he may just read it!
I have retained this feeling of euphoria that swept over me on Wednesday although it is now at a level I can manage. (I don't feel the need to stop people in the street and hug them explaining how lucky we all are to be alive).
This is apparently not a side effect of the drugs.... this means it is simply the relief at having my life back.
Buddhists apparently work on something they call 'mindfulness' I read that someone with a broken leg might think that they would be truly happy if they didn't have a broken leg.
When returned to health however they quickly forget their leg and are not in the happy state of mind that they anticipated.
Mindfulness is apparently a state where someone can be happy and aware of the positive aspects of life at all times. I'll have two bags of that please!
The more I consider this, the more interested I am in finding out more about Buddhism.
I find myself being drawn along the path my dear dad followed and whilst I understand that this is a journey
made by the individual this is comforting for me.
There is a Zen Buddhism centre in Reading that have introductory meetings on the first Tuesday of each month.
Pass me my saffron robe please......... (he's lost the plot this time).
I met with the inestimable Doctor Armstrong again on Thursday and received my steroids.
This is the treatment to tackle the condition at a fundamental level, rather than deal with the symptoms.
I am taking the steroids on alternate days and my dose is ramped up from an initial 10mg (2 pills) to a hefty 60mg (12pills) these together with drugs that deal with the side effects mean I shall soon be using a wheelbarrow to visit the pharmacy! This together with my predicted steroid 'moon' face should present an unusual sight.
I'm trying to consider a 'look' that will compliment my moon face, perhaps the final days of Elvis?
Yes that's it! SOLD to the man in the grey buttoned up jacket.
Is it just me or is he really a Pikey?
Thank providence (I have already covered God) I live in a developed Western Country, with what we all consider our birthright and frequently criticize the NHS!
The marvelous Doctor Armstrong refuses compliments in a classically English way "any neurologist would have done the same thing" etc. The fact remains I am inordinately grateful to this one, because any neurologist didn't help me this one did. I have to spare his blushes now however as I have given him a link to this blog and he may just read it!
I have retained this feeling of euphoria that swept over me on Wednesday although it is now at a level I can manage. (I don't feel the need to stop people in the street and hug them explaining how lucky we all are to be alive).
This is apparently not a side effect of the drugs.... this means it is simply the relief at having my life back.
Buddhists apparently work on something they call 'mindfulness' I read that someone with a broken leg might think that they would be truly happy if they didn't have a broken leg.
When returned to health however they quickly forget their leg and are not in the happy state of mind that they anticipated.
Mindfulness is apparently a state where someone can be happy and aware of the positive aspects of life at all times. I'll have two bags of that please!
The more I consider this, the more interested I am in finding out more about Buddhism.
I find myself being drawn along the path my dear dad followed and whilst I understand that this is a journey
made by the individual this is comforting for me.
There is a Zen Buddhism centre in Reading that have introductory meetings on the first Tuesday of each month.
Pass me my saffron robe please......... (he's lost the plot this time).
Tuesday, 25 June 2013
Chapter 8 (8 already!)
Dear whoever reads this stuff, so much changed so fast from my drooping eyelid 2 short weeks ago through 2 drooping eyelids to speech impediment and beyond.....
As I sit bathed in the white light of my puter monitor at nearly 2am where do I start?
As recently as this morning I was convinced that I should start writing my will, (always the drama queen)
I am now sitting here contemplating the whirlwind of the last 12 hours...
At around 1pm this afternoon I took the first 30mg tablet of the 'sticking plaster' part of my treatment offered yesterday by the hero Doctor Armstrong.
He had dampened any expectation I had of these tablets that were to boost the amount of chemical produced by my nerves at the neuromuscular junction.
The intention was that this overdose of acetycholine would give the receptors (unaffected by the masking effect of my antibodies) a fighting chance of passing the signals onto my muscles.
Sitting and waiting and waiting and.... is it my imagination or do I feel better? mmmmm left eyelid seems to have stopped drooping.... mmmm I can eat toast without difficulty..... can I talk without the comedy impediment?
I tried talking to myself and it seemed ok i was scared to admit it but I'M FINE... I'M FINE AND DANDY AND FIXED!!!
I immediately phoned everyone I could think of carried by a wave, a wave of euphoria,
If this is the 'sticking plaster' part of my treatment the something to be getting on with bit, then what would the serious bit enable me to do? Jump tall buildings? Travel faster than a speeding bullet? Throw people by just looking in their direction?
BRING IT ON DEAR MARVELOUS DOCTOR ARMSTRONG BRING IT ON.
I am so looking forward to getting back to my schools next week, It is an overused expression but I really do feel I am waking from a bad dream.
LOVE LOVE LOVE (and a free world)
As I sit bathed in the white light of my puter monitor at nearly 2am where do I start?
As recently as this morning I was convinced that I should start writing my will, (always the drama queen)
I am now sitting here contemplating the whirlwind of the last 12 hours...
At around 1pm this afternoon I took the first 30mg tablet of the 'sticking plaster' part of my treatment offered yesterday by the hero Doctor Armstrong.
He had dampened any expectation I had of these tablets that were to boost the amount of chemical produced by my nerves at the neuromuscular junction.
The intention was that this overdose of acetycholine would give the receptors (unaffected by the masking effect of my antibodies) a fighting chance of passing the signals onto my muscles.
Sitting and waiting and waiting and.... is it my imagination or do I feel better? mmmmm left eyelid seems to have stopped drooping.... mmmm I can eat toast without difficulty..... can I talk without the comedy impediment?
I tried talking to myself and it seemed ok i was scared to admit it but I'M FINE... I'M FINE AND DANDY AND FIXED!!!
I immediately phoned everyone I could think of carried by a wave, a wave of euphoria,
If this is the 'sticking plaster' part of my treatment the something to be getting on with bit, then what would the serious bit enable me to do? Jump tall buildings? Travel faster than a speeding bullet? Throw people by just looking in their direction?
BRING IT ON DEAR MARVELOUS DOCTOR ARMSTRONG BRING IT ON.
I am so looking forward to getting back to my schools next week, It is an overused expression but I really do feel I am waking from a bad dream.
LOVE LOVE LOVE (and a free world)
Chapter 7 (tick tock)
I returned from Tesco's Pharmacy with treasure! (insert Pirate laugh, or maybe Gollumesqe giggle, you know the old "my presssssious" routine), PYRIDOSTIGMINE the first of my drugs.
For the first time in my life I read the leaflet carefully, all of the possible side effects combined will be a holiday if this gets rid of my double vision and speech impediment.
Lining up my first 60mg tablet up in my pink (defy stereotypes) pill cutter and .... smash it to dust! 2 more attempts with the same results, then, using a kitchen knife I succeeded at my first attempt, neatly dividing a pill into two 30mg pieces.
My initial dose is 30mg 3 times a day, they suggest that it will take between 30 minutes and an hour to kick in and should last about 4 hours.
If this works it should allow me to get back to my classes, and that gets more important with every passing day.
The Holme Grange possibility gnaws at me as I just discovered that yet another of my warriors might be heading there in September (if I told you who I would have to kill you, which frankly would require more thought now than a couple of weeks ago). If this treatment kicks in quickly I may be able to approach the school before the end of term, although Doctor Armstrong described this as 'the sticking plaster' part of my treatment with the steroids that follow next (hopefully tomorrow) being the treatment that deals with this at a more fundamental level.
So as the candle sputters and the glowing embers light my ravaged features...... tick tock.... I sit back like some latter day Dr Jekyl waiting for the Pyridostigme to do it's dark work,
Except of course its a bright sunny afternoon, daytime tv is in full tourettes mode screaming on about PPI have you been misold? Car Insurance anyone? How about a payday loan? Some kind of loser fest I can feel it drawing me in!
It scares me to think I might descend to the point where I become part of their target audience,
I want my job back and I want it now.
ps Thank you, if you are one of the people that have sent me your support and encouragement it really has helped keep me focused on getting through this and has given me a real sense of purpose in my job.
It is fantastic to realise how much judo means to my children.
I vow to redouble my efforts to help their judo development as soon as I'm back.
pps Just in case you think I'm getting a bit hippy with this and losing that natural savagery of mine.... if you are one of the people who are too embarrassed to get in touch remember its not catching, and at some point I will hunt you down like dawgs and say "Hello how are you"?
If this is embarrassing how is that going to feel?
mmmm feeling better is it the drugs or the fighting talk?
NO! I REALLY AM FEELING BETTER!!
For the first time in my life I read the leaflet carefully, all of the possible side effects combined will be a holiday if this gets rid of my double vision and speech impediment.
Lining up my first 60mg tablet up in my pink (defy stereotypes) pill cutter and .... smash it to dust! 2 more attempts with the same results, then, using a kitchen knife I succeeded at my first attempt, neatly dividing a pill into two 30mg pieces.
My initial dose is 30mg 3 times a day, they suggest that it will take between 30 minutes and an hour to kick in and should last about 4 hours.
If this works it should allow me to get back to my classes, and that gets more important with every passing day.
The Holme Grange possibility gnaws at me as I just discovered that yet another of my warriors might be heading there in September (if I told you who I would have to kill you, which frankly would require more thought now than a couple of weeks ago). If this treatment kicks in quickly I may be able to approach the school before the end of term, although Doctor Armstrong described this as 'the sticking plaster' part of my treatment with the steroids that follow next (hopefully tomorrow) being the treatment that deals with this at a more fundamental level.
So as the candle sputters and the glowing embers light my ravaged features...... tick tock.... I sit back like some latter day Dr Jekyl waiting for the Pyridostigme to do it's dark work,
Except of course its a bright sunny afternoon, daytime tv is in full tourettes mode screaming on about PPI have you been misold? Car Insurance anyone? How about a payday loan? Some kind of loser fest I can feel it drawing me in!
It scares me to think I might descend to the point where I become part of their target audience,
I want my job back and I want it now.
ps Thank you, if you are one of the people that have sent me your support and encouragement it really has helped keep me focused on getting through this and has given me a real sense of purpose in my job.
It is fantastic to realise how much judo means to my children.
I vow to redouble my efforts to help their judo development as soon as I'm back.
pps Just in case you think I'm getting a bit hippy with this and losing that natural savagery of mine.... if you are one of the people who are too embarrassed to get in touch remember its not catching, and at some point I will hunt you down like dawgs and say "Hello how are you"?
If this is embarrassing how is that going to feel?
mmmm feeling better is it the drugs or the fighting talk?
NO! I REALLY AM FEELING BETTER!!
Monday, 24 June 2013
bijou blogette 5a
Sitting in the swanky car park of the swanky private hospital awaiting my appointment. I miss normality more than could have imagined and have to admit this has left me more than usually angry at the world. I am banging along close to the redline and it only takes a careless comment or ill judged lane dicipline to fire me into a psychopathic rage.
(Saved as a draft I wrote this on my phone before meeting the great Dr Armstrong see Chapter 6)
(Saved as a draft I wrote this on my phone before meeting the great Dr Armstrong see Chapter 6)
Chapter 6 ....the end of the beginning
Doctor Armstrong is my saviour!
Having built my hopes towards this consultation it was unlikely that the reality could ever match my expectations.....but.
I was immediately impressed with his relaxed manner he gathered information from me, gave me his opinion that this was (as guessed) MG.
He went on to explain the way in which this condition interferes with signal being passed across the neuro muscular junction at the interface between nerve and muscle, explaining that the antibodies being produced by my Thymus gland are masking the nicotinic receptors on my muscles, reducing the number of receptors available to take up the acetylcholine that my nerves produce.
In turn this reduces the twitching ability of the muscle which is not receiving the signal to 'act'. Phew I really am beginning to grasp this thing.
In short as Bob the Builder or President Obama might say HE CAN FIX IT!
The £250 fee for this consultation was worth every penny, as he began to describe the treatment I would receive, I stopped him to explain that I would be swapping from this point to the NHS.....instead of the embarrassed silence I had feared he brushed my concerns aside explaining that he would be dealing with me either way and the treatment would be the same........
SUCH GREAT NEWS, as by this point I had decided that this was the only person I wanted to treat me.
Even as my speech impediment developed at no point did I feel uncomfortable.
His compassion was palpable and I did not feel seperated, as is so often the case by the professional boundary.
He suggested a couple of blood tests were necessary and at about £200 this seemed like good value, as it would save a couple of days.
Having realised however that the bloods had been taken off site that day, he made a snap decision to invite me to see him at 12.30pm on Wednesday at Royal Berks without an appointment!
At this point I jumped to my feet and ran around his office wailing YOOOOOO Da MAN YOOOOO Da MAN YOOOOO Da BOSS MAN!! I didn't of course, but I did say I felt like giving him a cuddle, most unlike me and I think, given his reaction, unlike him too, he smiled and suggested that my thanks were premature and that I should wait until I'm better, when I could give him a judo lesson instead.
This missed the point for me as I now feel like my silent freefall is over, someone who knows about this is finally aware and acting on it.
Of course I explained all of this, but by this point it my hitherto erudite delivery had taken on the threatening flavour of a spit drenched scary old drunk man ramble.....ttttth aaah jussss wanna saaay thhhhhnnnnnnkuuu tthhhhhurbbbbs tthhh!
"What did that man say daddy?" " Don't look at him Roger.... come along quickly.... don't stare"!
I am looking forward to starting my acetylcholinesterase inhibitors tomorrow followed by steroids for about a year with the attendant weight gain,(mental note better stop laughing at fatties).
Can't wait to get back to teaching my little warriors.
Bye for now its gone midnight and I have this condition called ..... did I tell you about the time.... blaa blaaa blaaa..... yes Bertie was not at all happy and can tell you he didn't mind jolly well letting them know particularly given that..... blaaa blaa blaaa
x
Having built my hopes towards this consultation it was unlikely that the reality could ever match my expectations.....but.
I was immediately impressed with his relaxed manner he gathered information from me, gave me his opinion that this was (as guessed) MG.
He went on to explain the way in which this condition interferes with signal being passed across the neuro muscular junction at the interface between nerve and muscle, explaining that the antibodies being produced by my Thymus gland are masking the nicotinic receptors on my muscles, reducing the number of receptors available to take up the acetylcholine that my nerves produce.
In turn this reduces the twitching ability of the muscle which is not receiving the signal to 'act'. Phew I really am beginning to grasp this thing.
In short as Bob the Builder or President Obama might say HE CAN FIX IT!
The £250 fee for this consultation was worth every penny, as he began to describe the treatment I would receive, I stopped him to explain that I would be swapping from this point to the NHS.....instead of the embarrassed silence I had feared he brushed my concerns aside explaining that he would be dealing with me either way and the treatment would be the same........
SUCH GREAT NEWS, as by this point I had decided that this was the only person I wanted to treat me.
Even as my speech impediment developed at no point did I feel uncomfortable.
His compassion was palpable and I did not feel seperated, as is so often the case by the professional boundary.
He suggested a couple of blood tests were necessary and at about £200 this seemed like good value, as it would save a couple of days.
Having realised however that the bloods had been taken off site that day, he made a snap decision to invite me to see him at 12.30pm on Wednesday at Royal Berks without an appointment!
At this point I jumped to my feet and ran around his office wailing YOOOOOO Da MAN YOOOOO Da MAN YOOOOO Da BOSS MAN!! I didn't of course, but I did say I felt like giving him a cuddle, most unlike me and I think, given his reaction, unlike him too, he smiled and suggested that my thanks were premature and that I should wait until I'm better, when I could give him a judo lesson instead.
This missed the point for me as I now feel like my silent freefall is over, someone who knows about this is finally aware and acting on it.
Of course I explained all of this, but by this point it my hitherto erudite delivery had taken on the threatening flavour of a spit drenched scary old drunk man ramble.....ttttth aaah jussss wanna saaay thhhhhnnnnnnkuuu tthhhhhurbbbbs tthhh!
"What did that man say daddy?" " Don't look at him Roger.... come along quickly.... don't stare"!
I am looking forward to starting my acetylcholinesterase inhibitors tomorrow followed by steroids for about a year with the attendant weight gain,(mental note better stop laughing at fatties).
Can't wait to get back to teaching my little warriors.
Bye for now its gone midnight and I have this condition called ..... did I tell you about the time.... blaa blaaa blaaa..... yes Bertie was not at all happy and can tell you he didn't mind jolly well letting them know particularly given that..... blaaa blaa blaaa
x
Sunday, 23 June 2013
Chapter 5 (All quiet on the Western Front)
I have come to realise over the past few days that reducing my verbal output has unexpected advantages.
With the requirement to limit my speech I have developed a useful tendency to speak only when I have something to say, something, that is, that matters to me.
This limitation has undoubtedly had some advantages for the people around me as well, giving them space to speak without interruption, and perhaps more importantly, I am LISTENING..... finally listening to what they have to say.
With this more selfless approach to communication, I have come to understand......(he paused briefly, brushing his blonde fringe from his brow and gazing wistfully out of the cottage window, across the neatly clipped lawn, he leanined back in his leather wingback armchair and making a mental note to speak to Joe about weeds visible in the border) THAT IT'S LARGELY SHITE!
(Only joshing Mrs Viv).
It is liberating in a strange way and I am hopeful I can remember this when (and if) I manage to throw of my speech impediment.
I have always admired people that talk sparingly, it seems to convey some kind of deeper personality or intelligence.
I once knew a man who could hold a group of people in his grip with just such a ploy.
When, during a meeting, he was asked a direct question, he would suck on his pencil and as silence descended.......and became almost unbearable, he would begin his answer.
At this point, confident that everyone was sold on his Gandalfian status and sage like wisdom, he knew anything he said would be considered deep, well considered and that his audience would consider themselves privileged to be receiving his thoughts..
Like some real life wizard of Oz I finally glimpsed the truth, the day I saw behind the curtain was the day that I realised that the copius notes and drawings, he appeared to take whilst avoiding the mundane issues of the meeting were in fact childlike doodles, he was a fraud but he worked his audiences endlessly with the same trick.
I hope to rise Zen like above this chicanery and actually spend more time listening and not just hearing my family and friends.
I'm sure if I get through this I shall re-instate my machine gun speech delivery, appearing to listen whilst actually thinking about what I'm about to say next. It would be funnier if wasn't at least half true.
On a lighter note I have spent today flopping about with lovely Zeynep and edible Yasmin, we had a lovely roast lamb lunch which pushed my weakened chew and swallow muscles to the limit but well worth it!
We washed it down with a bottle of 2010 Bourgogne Pinot Noir, a mellow Burgundy with cheeky notes of fresh berries and mellow spices (we are from Wokingham you see)..
My neck is aching gain today, I am really hoping that this isn't an early indication that my neck muscles are next! I also struggled to get a screw top off of a jar of gherkins yesterday, finally resorting to stabbing the lid to pop the vacuum. These are always difficult but I am bound to wonder whether my grip is weakening....on reality maybe but that was always a tenuous grip at best.
Doctor Armstrong tomorrow, poor Doctor Armstrong could never live up to the expectations I have placed on him and this consultation. I am excited in the way that a small child is on Christmas eve.
Go on mush fix it please.... FIX IT.... FIX IT..... NOW (please).
With the requirement to limit my speech I have developed a useful tendency to speak only when I have something to say, something, that is, that matters to me.
This limitation has undoubtedly had some advantages for the people around me as well, giving them space to speak without interruption, and perhaps more importantly, I am LISTENING..... finally listening to what they have to say.
With this more selfless approach to communication, I have come to understand......(he paused briefly, brushing his blonde fringe from his brow and gazing wistfully out of the cottage window, across the neatly clipped lawn, he leanined back in his leather wingback armchair and making a mental note to speak to Joe about weeds visible in the border) THAT IT'S LARGELY SHITE!
(Only joshing Mrs Viv).
It is liberating in a strange way and I am hopeful I can remember this when (and if) I manage to throw of my speech impediment.
I have always admired people that talk sparingly, it seems to convey some kind of deeper personality or intelligence.
I once knew a man who could hold a group of people in his grip with just such a ploy.
When, during a meeting, he was asked a direct question, he would suck on his pencil and as silence descended.......and became almost unbearable, he would begin his answer.
At this point, confident that everyone was sold on his Gandalfian status and sage like wisdom, he knew anything he said would be considered deep, well considered and that his audience would consider themselves privileged to be receiving his thoughts..
Like some real life wizard of Oz I finally glimpsed the truth, the day I saw behind the curtain was the day that I realised that the copius notes and drawings, he appeared to take whilst avoiding the mundane issues of the meeting were in fact childlike doodles, he was a fraud but he worked his audiences endlessly with the same trick.
I hope to rise Zen like above this chicanery and actually spend more time listening and not just hearing my family and friends.
I'm sure if I get through this I shall re-instate my machine gun speech delivery, appearing to listen whilst actually thinking about what I'm about to say next. It would be funnier if wasn't at least half true.
On a lighter note I have spent today flopping about with lovely Zeynep and edible Yasmin, we had a lovely roast lamb lunch which pushed my weakened chew and swallow muscles to the limit but well worth it!
We washed it down with a bottle of 2010 Bourgogne Pinot Noir, a mellow Burgundy with cheeky notes of fresh berries and mellow spices (we are from Wokingham you see)..
My neck is aching gain today, I am really hoping that this isn't an early indication that my neck muscles are next! I also struggled to get a screw top off of a jar of gherkins yesterday, finally resorting to stabbing the lid to pop the vacuum. These are always difficult but I am bound to wonder whether my grip is weakening....on reality maybe but that was always a tenuous grip at best.
Doctor Armstrong tomorrow, poor Doctor Armstrong could never live up to the expectations I have placed on him and this consultation. I am excited in the way that a small child is on Christmas eve.
Go on mush fix it please.... FIX IT.... FIX IT..... NOW (please).
Friday, 21 June 2013
(semi normal activity 4)
Chapter 4
Friday 21st June
Really enjoyed some semi normal activity last night, it was a great way to forget this stuff as I watched Olly deliver two good judo classes at LVS.
With both eyes taped open and aviator style sunglasses over my normal glasses I looked like some weird
Top Gun meets Frankenstein's monster combo!
The children appeared (from the little I could see) to take it all their stride, with top marks to dear Tano who continued to carry on conversations with me as though nothing was amiss.
I swear children are some kind of superior species of human, their honesty and lack of ambiguity is so refreshing.
Take for instance my good friend Henry, who, on being asked by his mum to wish me well, instead decided to ask me why I was writing things down rather than talking! At this point my speech impediment was turned to level 10 on the bluthhhhpssometer so it was faster to scribble!
Quite understandably he then asked why I was wearing two pairs of glasses..... removing my sunglasses I explained that "THESE are to save you from looking at THIS!" he stared at my taped eyelids in a bemused way as I removed the second pair, saying "AAAAAND these are for me to see with!"
I removed both pairs with a dramatic flourish, in the way a magician completes the reveal, at the end of an impressive trick.... dear Henry however remained singularly unimpressed.
My beautifully engineered wit was lost in translation as he heard something like
"tttthhhhsbbb sss THIS!" followed by "AAAAAAND thhhhssssthbbbsss with!".
The fact that Henry did not run screaming is a testament to the trust he has built in me, imagine then how poor Declan must have felt.
Declan an LVS pupil chose last night to make his debut at judo and as I spluttered in his face attempting to guide him through his first techniques I must have presented a truly bizzare spectacle (or spectacles)!
He showed great promise and I hope he returns, but I imagine that either way, the memory of his first judo lesson will live with him for the rest of his life (possibly wake him screaming in a lather of sweat too)!
The final indignity was inflicted on me when an athletic looking man approached me asking whether I was the coach. He had already scored 10 out of 10 for even approaching me given my appearance,
"Yes" I replied with no trouble at all......... and it was from this promising start that things went down hill quickly. He introduced himself as David Simpson a name that immediately stuck a chord somewhere in my mind. He asked me about the mats we were using, explaining that a Korean Martial art was practiced at his school.
As he confirmed that this was Holme Grange School a great independent school near my house in Wokingham that I have wanted to approach for a long time..
I realised, with growing horror, that this was in fact the head of sport from Holme Grange, someone I had written to him only recently at the behest of a parent!
I tried in vain to explain my current predicament and why I had not followed my letter with the promised phone call. To his credit through all of this, he remained remarkably calm and polite, as my son Oliver gallantly attempted to translate!
He gave me his email address (I had obviously impressed him with my wit and charm) and as he left I promised to call him once I regain control of my body!
This condition I no longer confer on it the status that is attached to the title 'disease', just who does it think it is eh) marches on. I have been watching and waiting for its next cheap trick and whilst I could be imagining it I suspect that I maybe feeling a slight numbness in my fingers, nothing that can't be fixed with sellotape and string of course!
Roll on Monday and my appointment, at least this feeling of silent freefall will be at an end as I shall be 'in the system'.
I intend to write myself a list of questions for Doctor Armstrong at £250 I think I should try and list at least 250 questions at least getting some value for my dear Mum's money!
Despite it supposedly affecting a tiny number of people my friend Simon Sherwood has just phoned and told me that his sister in law has it and that he was until now unaware. She has offered advice and confirmed that once treated I shall be able to resume my life as before.
Some adjustments will have to be made so no more MMA, no more Brazilian Jui Jitsu, lighter Kettlebells and start running ... sorry jogging!
I just spoke with an old friend Colin Harding and explained how I now have to watch the beginnings of my hard won six pack dissolve.
I have reached a level of fitness that I haven't had since being in the U21 British Judo team at 19 and for what?
I suppose if I have to go down hill it is better to start further up the hill.....
and on that dreary note!
Wednesday, 19 June 2013
Chapter 3
Wednesday 19th June.
I just spoke with my dear old judo friend Paul Knight to explain that I wouldn't be doing judo tonight.
Last Wednesday, only a week ago I was texting him and explaining that I didn't fancy judo as my left eyelid had drooped.... oh those halcyon days eh!
Depressed myself this afternoon watching a number of Youtube clips of fellow sufferers keeping their very public diaries.
FELLOW SUFFERERS! Listen to me, already part of some noble community, bound together by our suffering!
aaaand by the way Mr Fricker you talk glibly of their public diaries so (I ask myself) what is this?
I have explained/excused it to myself as a way of keeping friends and family in the loop and a way by which I can pass news to people who care about me.
It feels however like an opportunity to let rip and my single finger typing is already a faster way to communicate than my slack lipped nasal mumbling.
There we are feeling better already!
A well meaning and decent person, on hearing of my condition asked me if I had heard about 'balancing my body', she went on to explain that as everything has a ph value and my diet should be 'balanced' in ph terms.
I tried tactfully to tell her that a good deal of money and time was being spent by scientists in understanding this disease and it's causes and that if this was the case, they probably would have arrived at this conclusion by now....
Uninpressed she continued to explain, that, on giving birth to her first child, she developed lumps in her legs, which was apparently "all down to stress" .
Really? I said (when SHUT UP AND DIE was what crossed my mind).
My darling wife also mused today that "these things happen for a reason" mmmm God is moving in a mysterious way then....
It's at times when confronted by these ideas that I am most comfortable in my Athesim.
On a lighter note my darling Yasmin at not quite 3 years old has an uncanny awareness of my problems, she 'mended' my eye with a careful application of elastic band this afternoon while we flopped about on her trampoline. A simple expression of empathy can mean more than any words could and gives me hope for all of us.
I hope I can learn to keep a lid on my anger as it is ultimately only likely to damage those closest to me and that includes me.
Bye for now I'm off for a beer and a dribble at the judo club as a non combatant.
I just spoke with my dear old judo friend Paul Knight to explain that I wouldn't be doing judo tonight.
Last Wednesday, only a week ago I was texting him and explaining that I didn't fancy judo as my left eyelid had drooped.... oh those halcyon days eh!
Depressed myself this afternoon watching a number of Youtube clips of fellow sufferers keeping their very public diaries.
FELLOW SUFFERERS! Listen to me, already part of some noble community, bound together by our suffering!
aaaand by the way Mr Fricker you talk glibly of their public diaries so (I ask myself) what is this?
I have explained/excused it to myself as a way of keeping friends and family in the loop and a way by which I can pass news to people who care about me.
It feels however like an opportunity to let rip and my single finger typing is already a faster way to communicate than my slack lipped nasal mumbling.
There we are feeling better already!
A well meaning and decent person, on hearing of my condition asked me if I had heard about 'balancing my body', she went on to explain that as everything has a ph value and my diet should be 'balanced' in ph terms.
I tried tactfully to tell her that a good deal of money and time was being spent by scientists in understanding this disease and it's causes and that if this was the case, they probably would have arrived at this conclusion by now....
Uninpressed she continued to explain, that, on giving birth to her first child, she developed lumps in her legs, which was apparently "all down to stress" .
Really? I said (when SHUT UP AND DIE was what crossed my mind).
My darling wife also mused today that "these things happen for a reason" mmmm God is moving in a mysterious way then....
It's at times when confronted by these ideas that I am most comfortable in my Athesim.
On a lighter note my darling Yasmin at not quite 3 years old has an uncanny awareness of my problems, she 'mended' my eye with a careful application of elastic band this afternoon while we flopped about on her trampoline. A simple expression of empathy can mean more than any words could and gives me hope for all of us.
I hope I can learn to keep a lid on my anger as it is ultimately only likely to damage those closest to me and that includes me.
Bye for now I'm off for a beer and a dribble at the judo club as a non combatant.
Tuesday, 18 June 2013
Chapter 2
On Tuesday 18th June I am struggling to see my phone screen as I type this. As things progress I find myself ticking off more of the symptoms that I was reading about a few short days ago...tick symptom 'double vision'.
One symptom that puzzled me was "a nasal sounding speech impediment". What might that sound like I thought... I didn't have to wait long, as I tried to deliver a lesson in Streatley Primary School yesterday I began to develop the predicted nasal accent..tick symptom. One strange way through this particular affliction was to adopt a cockney geezer accent which whilst an amuising disguise for the problem, didn't offer a workable long term solution, unless I start a market stall in Walthamstow?. My thoughtful wife has bought plenty of 'easy chew' food for me, only yesterday I considered this an over reaction. Today having just slopped and dribbled my way through a bowl of Mulegatany soup, it seems she was right...tick symptom difficulty chewing. A sense of humour is it seems a useful asset in this new reality but sadly a smile is now denied me...tick symptom 'snarl like smile' just checked mine out and there it is. My dear mum has treated me to a private consultation with a neurologist in 5 days time bless her! This beats the 2 weeks my GP suggested it would take as an 'urgent' case on the NHS. At this rate of descent I wonder how much of me would be left in 2 weeks! I have now informed all of my schools of thje situation and explained that I shall return as soon as I am able. My last lesson at Binfield was strangely moving the children were really well behaved and their empathy was clear. It really is such a great job and I shall miss it very much until, with help. I beat this MG.
Bye for now,
MF
One symptom that puzzled me was "a nasal sounding speech impediment". What might that sound like I thought... I didn't have to wait long, as I tried to deliver a lesson in Streatley Primary School yesterday I began to develop the predicted nasal accent..tick symptom. One strange way through this particular affliction was to adopt a cockney geezer accent which whilst an amuising disguise for the problem, didn't offer a workable long term solution, unless I start a market stall in Walthamstow?. My thoughtful wife has bought plenty of 'easy chew' food for me, only yesterday I considered this an over reaction. Today having just slopped and dribbled my way through a bowl of Mulegatany soup, it seems she was right...tick symptom difficulty chewing. A sense of humour is it seems a useful asset in this new reality but sadly a smile is now denied me...tick symptom 'snarl like smile' just checked mine out and there it is. My dear mum has treated me to a private consultation with a neurologist in 5 days time bless her! This beats the 2 weeks my GP suggested it would take as an 'urgent' case on the NHS. At this rate of descent I wonder how much of me would be left in 2 weeks! I have now informed all of my schools of thje situation and explained that I shall return as soon as I am able. My last lesson at Binfield was strangely moving the children were really well behaved and their empathy was clear. It really is such a great job and I shall miss it very much until, with help. I beat this MG.
Bye for now,
MF
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